Hey just a little celebration because I have been having a very good week. I ordered my underworks binder yesterday! I'm was thinking of cutting my hair short, but I was afraid my job might think it was too "alternative" and get mad, but then i found out that my manager is gay and getting married next week and if he's a manager then this place can't be full of crap about acceptance like most places are. I'm so excited to be here hhh.
Opinions on gender-only languages. Where most words are based on feminine and masculine. Such as; Spanish, Catalan , French, Italian and Portuguese?
I don’t really know what sort of opinion you’re looking for. I mean, that’s tough for nonbinary people. In Spanish I personally tend to use -o endings, but you can also try avoiding words that are gendered, which is difficult but usually possible (in Spanish at least—I don’t really know anything about the other languages). Or you could alternate between the different genders. I’ve also heard of people using -e endings instead of -o or -a, or using @ (which only really works in writing), or -oa, or -ao. Again, I don’t really know anything about the other languages, but I imagine similar creative solutions might be found.
to the short hair anon-- i cut my hair short last summer after debating for a really really long time whether i should do it or not. it was probably the best decision i ever made, but also really scary. i also have curly hair, and didn't know how it would work out. it turned out fine, bc apparently my hair is straight when it's short. it's def a good idea to cut it over the summer when school's out, just in case you hate it, you have time to grow it out before anyone sees. i hope this helps!! :)
Hello! I was looking for some advice and wasn't sure who to ask. I'm a dmab genderqueer with a masculine presentation and I really like this girl who is straight. If I was planning on a relationship with her (which I am) would it be wrong to keep my identity a secret and simply not tell her I'm gq? I already present masculine and I'm fine with gendered terms like boyfriend etc. I'm just not sure if this is like lying and is unfair to her. Thank you!
I don’t really have an answer to this, to be honest. All I can think of is that it’s probably not necessarily wrong, but it might be more unpleasant for you than you think, and I’m not sure it would be sustainable in a healthy relationship. Does anyone have any thoughts?
i know that my assigned gender doesn't seem to work for me but i don't know why and i've experienced what i now assume to be dysphoria through most of my puberty and i know that i've wished to be a different gender and felt that i was failing being the gender i was assigned on many occasions, but i still can't figure out wether or not this has anything to do with my gender identity - wether or not i'm cis? maybe i'm interpreting everything wrong. is there any way to know if this is right for me?
From what you’ve said, it sounds like it has everything to do with your gender identity, though I suppose it’s possible it’s self-hatred or gender nonconformity instead. To know how it’s right for you, I’d try experimenting with different pronouns, language, presentation, etc—even in private, even in your head—and see how that feels. If you feel safe and want to, try telling someone you trust and asking them to try different pronouns or whatever for you. Just play around, see what feels right, don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Also remember that all of us have spent time feeling like a fake, due to the messages we receive about gender and so on.
I'm doing a presentation on gender identity and culture and really need help examining this question from a perspective of someone who answered yes: Does society’s representation or idea of non-binary persons impact how a culture views non-binary persons within said culture? Why?
I’m afraid I don’t really understand this question, because…um…yes?? How could it not? Aren’t those the same thing? Of course representation is important, and ideas about something kind of are how they view something…are you referring to the difference between the general and the specific? Again, obviously yes, people exist within the framework of society’s ideas about people like them? I’m trying to picture a scenario in which this wouldn’t be true, and I’m really coming up empty. Am I missing something here?
Why does the LGBT community hate on non-binary people so much? :(
Because of respectability politics, because of transphobia, because of ignorance, because of whiteness, because of assimilation, because of the cis gay white male/sometimes lesbian mainstream, because of self-centeredness, because of gender policing, because of internalized cishet ideals, because of fear that more “extreme” people will cause their own tenuous acceptance to be taken away, because people like feeling superior to other people, because we’re somewhat off the beaten path when it comes to how people generally think about the world, because they’ve never heard of us for most of their lives and therefore don’t grow up with our existence incorporated into their understanding of humanity (and as a result think we’re making it up), because we’re often young and other qualities that make us easy targets. For starters.
Hi, I believe I'm genderfluid, but don't really know. I sometimes feel like a woman, androynous, male. I thought I was trans*, but I never consistently felt like a gender for more than a day or so. Therefore I think I am gendfluid. I've stuffed my top (I'm biologically male). I want to buy a wig. But I know sometimes I don't want to do that. I've thought of different names for myself; genderwise. I'm really worried about it. I don't know how I'd tell anyone. And I want to be sure myself first.
That’s okay. I waited about a year between coming out to myself and to other people—like you, I wanted to be sure, and I was scared about how it would go. Here’s a post I wrote about coming out. Feel free to experiment with your presentation, with labels, with names, and pronouns. That should help you figure out what you want, and it’s okay to take time with that. Also, you can be trans and genderfluid at the same time.
(gender dysphoria nonny) that I just feel it would be better. But I don't really...feel like I'm 'wrong'? I don't dislike my body for being female. I just wish it was male. Is that gender dysphoria? I don't want to say I struggle with it and undermine those that actually do, if I don't.
I can’t find the first half of your mssage. But the answer is yes, that’s dysphoria. It comes at all levels and in all permutations.
im confused about myself, i think i might be genderfluid but im not sure, how would i know....?
Does your gender shift around? Congrats, you’re genderfluid.
By gender, I don’t mean sometimes you like to wear pants and sometimes you like to wear skirts, or going shopping vs playing football, or being gruff and macho vs caring and gentle. I just mean sometimes you feel you’re (for example) a boy, and other times you feel you’re (for example) a girl, or other times you feel you’re (for example) some specific nonbinary identity…you can shift around between any number of points, binary or not, regular or not, at any time interval. There’s lots of variety.
It’s okay to not know, and it’s okay to be unsure, and it’s okay to think you’re genderfluid and later change your mind. It’s okay to use whatever pronouns or names you want, and dress however you want. It’s a descriptor, not a set of rules. And what it’s describing is that your gender identity—that’s your internal sense of “I am (insert gender here)”—has a habit of changing. Which can manifest in any number of ways. Some people can pinpoint their gender identity more easily than others, and some people have a stronger sense of gender identity than others. For some people the change is more dramatic than others. And people come at figuring out what exactly their (temporary or permanent) gender identity is from any number of angles, if it’s not immediately apparent.
I'm always confused by the technical terms but if I'm genderfluid or possibly two spirit, even if I typically express myself as female and I'm FAAB, I'm NOT considered cis, right? I'm still new to terminology and I'd like to be better informed. It's not a term for everyone other than trans right? It just means if you identify as your assigned at birth gender.
Yes. Well, many people see being trans as just meaning identifying as other than their assigned at birth gender, trans doesn’t have to just mean binary. But you are correct, what you are describing is not cis. You also have free claim to the word trans if you want it.
(Two spirit has a different cultural context that I don’t know much about—I think some two-spirit people identify as trans and some don’t, as it can mean a great variety of different things, and some reject those European words/constructs entirely. Also two spirit is a culturally specific term, so don’t use it if you’re white, etc. Anyone who knows more about this than I do is free to weigh in.)
I think your follower count link is broken... Clicking it either gives spammy-type-stuff, or would you like to buy a domain name...
Yikes. Neither Riam or I have actually modified the site appearance since the last mod set it up, and it really needs a redo in general - does anybody have suggestions for themes? I’ll sit down and do it next week if I’m done with assignments/legal drama.
there is a very good compilation of gender neutral pronouns in a variety of different languages that can be found here! it’s really helpful and a lot of thought and help has gone into it from people who speak these as their native language! i definitely recommend you go check it out
Do you have any insights to or know any blogs for sexual fluidity? And like what it is exactly? And does it have to be fluctuating between genders or like if you always like blonde girls but then like a brunette girl randomly- is that a form of fluidity? Because it deviates from what you typically are?
I don’t know of any blogs, no.
That said, I understand gender-based sexuality being fluid, especially alongside a fluid gender, but honestly: the hair color example you’ve got there, if it’s serious, is indicative of larger problems in how you conceive sexuality.
People are attractive for a range of reasons! Sometimes one particular person who’s “not your type” might stick out and be attractive to you! That’s not necessarily implying that your sexuality has changed! There’s a reason our everyday conversations about sexuality sometimes have “I’d go straight for X” or similar: even with gender, there’s often a couple of exceptions to a norm, and that’s okay.
Also: your “type” will change over time! I used to be exclusively attracted to thin white guys who were blonde and blue-eyed. That was mostly me being influenced by internalized racism and homophobia and a really fucked up understanding of beauty standards tied to the internalized racism, to be honest. Now I’m very much not. A lot of that was working on myself because I didn’t want to be that person. I still am disproportionately attracted to white people, and that’s stuff I’m still unpacking about the way I grew up believing white people were the prettiest and the best, but I’m doing what I can.
(Even if I hadn’t done deliberate work on myself and analyzed why I liked the people I did, and whether that was set in stone or kind of based on things I didn’t want to be, I think my attractions would have changed over time. I know for sure they do for lots and lots of people.)
In short: this might be something you want to put a label on, but: I’d strongly discourage both the labelling of something as trivial as hair color and the uncritical assumption that who you like is just who you like and there’s nothing you can change about it, only go along with the ride that is a changing sexuality.
hi there! i need some help, i think. i've known i'm nonbinary for a long time, it's just.. i don't really know what to call myself. i have days where i feel like a girl, or days where i feel like a boy, but most of the time i don't feel like anything. i don't think agender seems like the right word, though.. do you think genderfluid is a good word for me?
You could call yourself genderfluid if you like. There are lots of other genderfluid people who sometimes don’t have a gender.
You could also call yourself agender if you like—if you’re genderless enough of the time that it seems fair to you to round up/down to agender, there’s nothing wrong with that.
Mostly the definitions don’t quite fit, but they could maybe be close enough.
Basically it’s your choice, and it’s okay to call yourself something that isn’t a perfect fit. Most of our genders are a little different from each other anyway, even when we group ourselves under the same category.
i feel like a lot of young trans women and people who are considering becoming trans women don’t realise how fast the changes from HRT happen, or even what the changes entail; i don’t know even a single trans woman who has had top surgery, and i only know one who has had facial feminisation surgery.
boobs happen fast, facial changes happen fast, body fat moves fast, it all happens more quickly than i ever realised it would’ve. one day i just sort of woke up like “holy shit i’m so girly” without even really thinking about it
if you’re worrying about HRT and how it might effect your body and whether or not it will be worth it: it’s worth it. it’s completely worth it. for $60 a month (and some Illegal Online Bullshit) i have managed to become more happy and comfortable in my body than i ever imagined i could have
Hi, I'm going into my Junior year of high school in about a week, and this'll be the first year I'll be fully open with my genderfluidity, and I'd like to start going by my new name and pronouns (I only use one set and one name). I'd really like for my teachers to use them, too, but I'm nervous about asking. How should I go about asking them to use them? Should I ask at all?
Maybe before you start, you could send emails to your teachers saying something like “[polite fluff] On your paper I’m listed as [legal name], but I use the name [new name], and my pronouns are [pronouns], and I’d like you to call me those things instead. [polite fluff]” Or you could go up to each teacher after/before class and say something similar. Here’s another template. Some teachers may be more amenable than others, and some may forget or “forget,” but it’s okay to ask. I did. Depending on where you live, it’s unlikely you’ll encounter outright hostility from your teachers in response, even if they don’t approve, but it’s always a possibility, and it’s something to be prepared for. There’s no “should,” as unhelpful as that is—it’s a decision you have to make for yourself, based on your situation and needs. Good luck!
I see you guys give so much advice to everyone regardless of their situation..you always try to help and send resources if you don't have experience with it. And I see a constant theme that you tell people that they're normal, and okay, and absolutely loved and supported. I just love seeing all of your unconditional support, it makes me so happy! So thank you :)
hi! i wanted to ask if it's a bad thing for someone to switch their orientation around or their gender/pronouns or the name they go by a lot while trying to figure out what they are? i'm still figuring out all the terms and what feels nice for me, so i switch these around at times.
That’s perfectly okay. It’s a good way to experiment and learn about yourself and figure things out.
I'm physically female with no room for doubt and I love dressing myself up and being girly. But inside my head, I'm all male, and these conflicting self-images are really taking a toll on me. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like a man, AM a man, but I love being the woman me, too. I don't know what to do. Please help.
You can be a man and still feminine, still dress yourself up and be girly. Those things are okay. Maybe you’re a femme trans man, or a trans man who enjoys crossdressing. There are lots of other people like you. You might find theselinksuseful.
Are we deceitful by nature? Rather like how many gays/lesbians IME distrust bisexuals (sad), are genderfluids presenting a fake façade? I feel more comfortable and empowered as a guy but exciting and alluring as a woman. When someone I was seeing saw both sides to me, she was disgusted. Not because of how I dress or my orientation or whatever, but beause she thought the radical changes in presentation made me fake. It stung to be called a deceitful fake, but I can almost see the validity.
Uh, no. There’s nothing fake about being true to yourself. There’s nothing fake about taking pleasure in your appearance and presentation. There’s nothing fake about making choices regarding your presentation that make you most comfortable and happy. It’s okay to have multiple facets. It’s okay to be complicated. I’m sorry someone treated you like that.
I tend to wear pretty gender neutral clothing (Skinny jeans and a band top) and even onmy guy days I'm like the stereo type of a gay man and I love being that way but in someways it feels like I'm doing it wrong like I should be acting manly and people seem to jump to the conclusion that this is all for attention :(
Nah. Do you however you want. There’s definitely a lot of pressure to be super manly, if you’re a trans dfab person, but that’s not healthy, especially if that’s not who you are. And it’s not who most people are. Try to build yourself an environment as supportive and accepting as possible, and know that you are fine.
Is anyone else sort of... Binary fluid? Not bigender, but usually you're one gender but you move around a bit on that side of the spectrum and nowhere else. Like I'm male usually but I shift around in the male end of things. Anyone else?
I know binding with ACE is very bad but what about something without the elastic. Are binders supposed to stretch?
Binders are generally compressive by nature, so yeah, they tend to be stretchy. Even the non-stretchy cheap ones have a bit of give in them because solid, unyielding fabric is not particularly safe (and as a result, non-stretchy binders need to be a bit looser than stretchy ones so you can breathe easy).
That said, it’s very much about listening to your own body. I nearly fainted the other day in a western elastic binder that is in fact a little bit too big for me, but I can wear the non-stretchy ones just fine (although those are, again, also a bit too big), and a lot of that is about what that sort of compressive pressure does to me.
Listen to your body, and take more breaks than I did, and make sure you’re not only capable of breathing well but actually breathing well.
Trans means you identify as a gender different than that assigned at birth. Nonbinary means your gender is neither male nor female, exclusively at least. As pretty much everyone is assigned at birth either male or female exclusively, basically all nonbinary people are trans unless they don’t feel comfortable identifying with that label.
Hello, I'm genderfluid. Um, but I've been introducing myself as Non-Binary Trans. I'm not sure if that's the best way to convey that I wan't to achieve, as a trans person, a look that can be easily altered into any part of the gender spectrum. Any tips? Ideas?
That’s probably fine. Genderfluid people generally are nonbinary and trans, so it’s accurate anyway. I mean, it’s an umbrella that can mean a lot of different things, and it’s also an identity label so won’t really convey desired presentation.
If what you want to express in looking for a label is desired presentation, and it’s important to you to be specific about it, maybe you could say things like that you want a flexible or androgynous presentation, or something.
Or you could just say what you said here, if you want to be sure you’re communicating what you want to achieve.
i'm not sure if this is the right place to ask about this. i'm dfab genderfluid and just recently came to terms with it. i'd really like to have shorter hair so i can look more masculine on days where i want to but also still look feminine when i want to. my hair would be very frizzy and poofy if i cut it that short, though, and i'm physically unable to use straighteners or hair-dryers on my own due to a disability. any suggestions for this?
It could look good short and frizzy, couldn’t it? Or I suppose you could get it professionally permanently straightened, if you wanted to and had the money and all that? I have straight hair so I don’t know how much I can help here, but does anyone have any thoughts?
im genderfluid, and i was really nervous to tell my gf about it. when I told her she said shes going to take a bit to get used to it because "I expected to get a gf but instead got 3-in-one. A gf, bf, and a nonbinary partner"
Help a new non-binary magazine get off the ground by making sure we reach our target!
PLEASE SIGNAL BOOST THIS FUNDRAISER! IT’S A NEW ONLINE MAGAZINE FOR NON-BINARY FOLKS, CENTERING PEOPLE OF COLOUR.
Help a new UK trans online magazine site get off the ground by making sure we reach our target of £900 in 40 days.
What is Beyond the Binary?
Beyond the Binary will be a submissions-based magazine website, which aims to give non-binary people in the UK the opportunity to contribute and share what they are experiencing, thinking and doing. We recognise that there is a lack of non-binary representation in the media, and that often non-binary people’s voices aren’t heard. Beyond the Binary wants to re-balance that, and give non-binary people a platform.
Beyond the Binary is run by non-binary people, for non-binary people. We already have a Working Group of over 70 members passionate about creating and contributing to the site. Beyond the Binary aims to reach out and be relevant to as many people as possible, which is why we’re focussing on submissions and welcoming people who identify anywhere on the non-binary spectrum from the UK to submit articles or other media on a range of different topics, from real life, discussion and opinion, to reviews, artwork, and fiction. As well as that, we’d like this to be a community resource – hosting events, projects, and lists of safe and inclusive groups and organisations. Interested? We have some submissions information here!
Why is it important?
Currently, there’s little in the way of representation or work with non-binary people in the UK, so this project is much needed. A lot of voices are coming out of the US, and Beyond the Binary was in part inspired by all the amazing activism and community resources overseas. Having said that, we are also aware that even within this small group of people, the voices who usually get heard are white, and we encourage and welcome people of colour to submit even if they are based outside of the UK.
There is already a lot of excitement behind this project, and some of the Editorial Team working on putting the site together made a video to explain a bit more about themselves and the impact of this project.
We’d love for this site to look and feel amazing. We deserve a space of our own to express our feelings about the stuff that affects us, laugh about our lives, and inspire others. Let’s make it happen.
Donate via our Indiegogo page here, where you can read more about the project and our cash breakdown. We’ll be providing updates every week as well.
Do you have any advice on how to come out to family as gender fluid? I want to tell my mom, but I don't really know what to say or how to say it...
mettcha: How can I come out as gender-fluid to my friend? He doesn’t see me as anything but a girl, and makes up lists of reasons why he doesn’t think I could pass as a guy. He doesn’t know that I don’t identify as cis, so he doesn’t know how much it hurts to hear him say that. I don’t think he even knows what any other of the trans* identities are, except for transgender. And I’m afraid that if I don’t explain it well enough, he’ll think I’m just transgender and confused or something. Thanks~Reese
anon: I need advice on coming out. I’m FAAB, gender-fluid and queer. However, my friends and family believe I am straight and cisgender. I’ve always dressed fairly masculinely or androgynously, but they still don’t really know, they just think that’s my sense of style. My parents are both very supportive of the LGBT community, but I’m not sure how to come out to them, and I don’t know whether to come out as gender-fluid or queer first, or at the same time, or even how to bring it up! Any suggestions?
archangelrenegade: Hi there. I think I need some help… I want to come out to my family and tell them that I really don’t fit in either gender (I don’t really know the proper term for that, or anything at all), and I really want a binder, but I don’t know how to tell them, or when I would tell them, and I feel like they’d brush me off saying I shouldn’t worry now, because I’m only 14. I’m afraid that when I do tell them, I’ll break down crying even though I know they’re very accepting. What do I do?
anon: i’m planning to come out to my parents soon. do you think would it be more logical to explain what gender fluidity is before saying that’s what i am, or vice versa?
anon: I want to come out to my parents about being non-binary soon. I wanted to do it today because we were alone at home. But I obviously didn’t, I didn’t feel prepared enough. i want to give them resources when I do it. And I want to know what I want to tell them, not exactly every word, but i want to plan it out. I talked to my dad a little about gender-identity (just in general), and he seems to be pretty open… Any advice? Anything I should mention other than how I feel?
anon: Hi folks! This might be a little weird… Im a dfab genderfluid and polyamorous… my primary partner is also genderfluid, so knows where im at… but i want to come out to my cis boyfriend and i have no idea how. I dont want it to ruin everything between us! How do you out yourself to a cis lover? Have any of you done it? How did it turn out? (Thanks wonderful humans)
anon: Hi. I’m sixteen, and I’m almost sure that I’m (faab) gender fluid. But I’m scared to come out, in case people think I’m lying, or that I’m a “poser”, or that it’s just a phase. Maybe I’m just being paranoid… Help? :c
mogendersmofandomsnoproblems: Heya, So I was wondering if you could help me out. So, I’ve basically pegged myself as genderqueer and identify as such now, but have only told my one other genderfluid friend. She’s the one that helped me figure it out actually. I really, really want my friends, especially my guy friends, to accept me as sometimes-male. I’m not sure how to say it, as I’ve ALREADY had to come out as Bisexual. I don’t want to make it awk, but I want to be part of guy night as a sometimes-guy, lol. What do I do?
anon: So. Im genderfluid but im scared to tell my family. Mostly my dad. He freaked out when I came out about being pansexual, so I have a feeling I know how he’ll react about me being genderfluid. I do want my mom and grandma to know, though. I just dont want to be like “hey, yeah, guess whay? Im genderfluid.” I dont know any other way to just.. come out, though.
sortedtosoon: Hi, I had a question that I really need help with. I want to come out to my parents as gender fluid, but I don’t know how I would. My parents are pretty conservative, or at least my mom is (you can’t really tell with my dad) and I’ve come out to them as bisexual, but that didn’t go over well. I’ve only come out to two people I really trust as gender fluid, but that was easy because we’re really close. Sorry, I’m rambling now. Anyway, how do you think I should tell my parents?
anon: Hi there (by the way, i am new to Tumblr so I’m not sure if I’m doing this right). I am genderqueer and I am currently 17 years old. I’m also still in the closet about it but I decided that I am going to come out to one of my close friends. Do you have any advice on how to do this? I figured I would send her a Facebook message explaining it, or should I tell her in person? I just need to make sure I don’t make our friendship “awkward” by telling her… Thank you in advance.
anon: Hi, I was wondering if you could offer me suggestions on how to come out as a genderfluid-biromatic-demisexual? I am waiting to come out because I don’t feel safe yet, but I feel like it would be difficult to come out since I have such an interesting combination of things going on. Thanks so much, have a queer day! xx
anon: So, I want to come out to my parents as gender-fluid, but I’m having some troubles. I want to tell my mother before my dad, but she’s been very tired lately and I can’t catch her alone. I don’t even know how to bring it up. I can’t talk to my PSE teacher because he once asked me if holding hands with my friend (who is a girl) in corridors was “acceptable for school,” etc and I can’t trust him. My mother is how I’m going to get a binder and a haircut. Any advice?
anon: I am genderfluid, biologically female. I have told two friends about this and neither of them seemed to be bothered, though I feel this is because they don’t know much about genderfluidity. However, I am unsure of how to tell my parents. They are very supportive, and have no problem with homosexuality and the like, but I don’t think the know much about being genderqueer. I think I need to get them to understand genderfluidity before I come out, but I don’t know how to bring it up casually.
anon: So I’m more gender fluid than anything. And well I was born female and I’m 17 now, and I’ve been a girl my whole life to my family. I recently ordered a binder from Underworks (after using an abdominal support as a makeshift binder when I’ve been alone for a few weeks now). It’ll get here in a few days and I want to be able to wear it around my family, but I’m not sure how to… come out, exactly. I know they’ll more than likely be pretty accepting, but how do I word it to explain it to them?
anon: I know this has properly been asked a thousand times, but do you have any tips on coming out as gender-fluid? I’ve only talked to my best friend about it. I don’t wanna make it a big deal, because in reality it’s how I’ve always been. I’m just concerned that people will look at me differently, even though I’m not gonna change, and that they can’t see the difference between sexuality and gender identity.
whatgendertoday: As a shy coming out GF I wondered how to lay it out to people who have known me strickly Female, considering I’m DFAB. Each person has own “coming out” tale and advice but I am worried. My tumblr helps but not with family and most friends. Adivce?
anon: do you have any tips for coming out to parents and younger siblings? (I’m talking 10 and 12)
anon: I found this blog last night, and it’s already explained much to me and I’ve gotten a lot of advice from looking through your tags. I’m DMAB, was trying to educate myself on LGBTQIA+ and found genderfluid. I came out on my page after I was sure, and I’ve generally been accepted. I still feel very nervous about coming out to my immediate family, however, since my youngest brother and uncle are very phobic of anything that doesn’t “fit,” and I’m not sure if they’ll be toxic or not. Any advice?
anon: Hi, I’m really scared about coming out as genderfluid to a romantic interest, I don’t know what to say and I don’t know how he’ll react to the girl he likes (and he does only like girls!) not being a girl all the time. If I could get some help on how to tell him (I feel obligated to because he needs to know before a relationship is even in the prospect and because he’s my friend.) that’d be lovely.
pointedperception: What’s the best way to explain genderfluidity/gender as a spectrum to your family and friends? I’m afraid they’ll misinterpret my coming out to them as me being ftm trans*; though I lean towards male, I’m still very much gender-neutral and genderfluid. Thank you!
anon: I’m really scared right now. I’m coming out as gender fluid at the ripe old age of 26! But here’s the kicker, I’m afraid that it’s a phase or that people are right and that what I’m feeling isn’t real. I don’t know what to do. I’m so scared right now and feel super alone. I have one gender queer friend who is super supportive and two more that are cis but everybody else NO! I’m alright w/ my body and don’t want to transition, and I lean more towards female then male but not alot. What do I do?
Coming out! It’s a very individual experience, and how to do it depends greatly on your situation, who you are, and to whom you’re coming out. Here are some thoughts:
If you already know that they’re hostile to transness, queerness, or nonbinary-ness, you need to make sure of your safety. Consider if you may be in danger of physical violence, emotional abuse, or losing your home, funds, etc. Also consider your mental health in terms of how it’s affected by not coming out, and take that seriously as well. Weigh the two against each other to decide whether you want to come out, then, or to wait until you’re not under their roof or not dependent on them if you are, or not come out at all. It’s not required, and may not in all cases be a good idea. If you decide to come out, have back-up plans to ensure your safety. Do you have somewhere you can go if you are in danger or are kicked out of the house? What leverage do they have over you, and can you remove it? Are they paying for your tuition, food, etc, and if so do you have alternate channels you can get those funds from?
Do you want to come out in person, or through a letter, email, Facebook, etc? Consider whether you tend to lose your ability to communicate/argue when anxious, overwhelmed, or emotional. If so, it may be helpful to you to do it in writing, so you can lay out all your points beforehand. In this situation, you also need to decide how you’ll get the message to the person—hand it to them? email it? Also think about whether the individual may react differently to receiving this information in writing or face-to-face.
If the number of people you want to come out to is overwhelming, maybe you could come out first to just one person who you believe will be sympathetic, and ask them to tell others on your behalf. Alternately, you could come out via a mass email or social media post. Consider how the people in question might react to receiving the information in this way.
Consider whether you want to give them the information all at once or gradually. Are they the type of person who might become overwhelmed and react badly if given too much information at once? Or are they the type who might become impatient and come to their own, unfavorable conclusions if the information doesn’t come fast enough?
Do you want to provide resources? You could give them links or books. Or you could try to tell them everything yourself. Try to think of every objection or question they might raise, and come up with a resource or argument that responds to it.
Some people might react badly. That sucks, but it’s true. They might say you’re making it up/an abomination/there’s no such thing/everyone’s like that/if you were really x you’d blah blah blah/etc. You should try to come up with arguments and resources that refute those ideas, but the fact remains that some people will think that no matter what. Be prepared to lose friends. Be prepared to make the choice to give up friends, if they consistently invalidate or hurt you. Try to find people who are supportive, and surround yourself with them like armor. Try to gain as much self-esteem and confidence in yourself as you can.
Children generally react well. They haven’t had as much time to be indoctrinated in transphobic society as adults have. On the other hand, they’re more impressionable and intellectually malleable, so if they’re close to a prejudiced adult, they may just parrot all their views and not listen. But generally, if you explain the ideas to children in a clear and age-appropriate problem, and answer their questions, they’ll react well.
You also have to decide whether you want to do a “Sit down, I want to talk to you about something important,” or just casually slip it into conversation, like “and I’m genderfluid, so (relevant rest of sentence).” The advantage to the latter is that often when you present something like it’s no big deal, people will react like it’s no big deal, because of social convention. This is more likely to work if you don’t have a close emotional connection with the person, and if they don’t already have firmly established views on the subject. It can give you the advantage in the conversation, or it can backfire if they react in a way you’re not expecting and you’re put off balance.
If you’re concerned they’ll misinterpret what you’re saying, just make sure to be super clear. Like, “I’m not x, I’m y, and here’s the difference.” Invite them to ask questions to get a feel for how much they understand of what you’ve told them.
If you’re inclined to get emotional when talking about important/stressful/emotionally significant topics, you need to take that into account. It may be a reason to do the coming out in writing, if it makes it difficult for you to express yourself clearly, or at least write out your points so you can refer to them. It could be an advantage, if the person sees your pain and decides to go easier on you with their questions/arguments than they would otherwise. On the other hand, they might see your pain as a weakness and use it as an opportunity to press until you’re overwhelmed into incoherence, and then declare themselves the winner and you as not knowing what you’re talking about.
Try to anticipate what points, arguments, objections, or questions they might have, and come up with counter-arguments or answers, whether yourself or through resources. Also consider how much personal information you’re willing to share, and how to respond to personal questions.
Consider whether you want to introduce the topic first to get them used to it, then come out yourself, then explain the personal details. This could help in that you get them used to the ideas and you feel out how they’re going to react. On the other hand, they’re quite likely to figure out that’s what you’re doing before you officially come out, especially if you have strong emotional responses in arguments, and if they’re not the completely oblivious type. This removes your control of their discovery.
After a certain point, if you’ve decided you want to do it, you have to stop worrying and just jump. Prepare as much as possible, wait until you’re ready, but it’s still going to be terrifying, and there’s still going to be that moment like you’re jumping off a cliff. At that point, what you need isn’t more information or more preparation or more anything. You just need to hold your breath and jump.
Once you’ve come out: be patient. It’s likely that they’ll need some time to adjust, and that they’ll be significantly more supportive months to years after you’ve come out than directly after. Keep that in mind, though don’t hold your breath, and take care of yourself.
If there’s something you need from them, like a change in names or pronouns, or help buying something, you need to decide whether you want to do that at once or later. Again, be patient with them; they may refuse initially and come round later. Be ready for lots of conversations and explanations and arguments. Also be ready for them to stick their heads in the sand and pretend you never came out at all. If they do that, you need to decide whether to leave it, bring it up again, remind them how/why it’s important to you, or what.
So I'm AMAB and some days I really feel like a girl, but other days I feel fine being a guy. The thing is, I can't tell whether I'm genderfluid, or if I'm a trans woman who just has some days where the dysphoria isn't so bad. What is the difference?
Honestly, this is a really hard question to answer. I’ve found that for a lot of people identifying as genderfluid is something that they do when they’re exploring their identity in the early stages, and that the fluctuating dysphoria either evens out or becomes something they recognize as what you’re describing, it just not being as bad some days.
A lot of binary trans or more static non-binary people have that experience! They start off swinging, not sure who or what they are, and it evens out. That doesn’t make being genderfluid long-term something that is rare or wrong, though! Different people experience gender differently. I was very clearly fluid as a child, but not so much now; I know lots of people who’ve had the opposite experience, a sort of genderlessness or non-binary experience of childhood and then more overt fluidity in adulthood, and of course tons of people don’t have any inkling they’re trans until late in life.
It’s okay to not know what you are. It’s okay to want to know what you are, and to be frustrated with this! Time will probably help you work it out. Don’t be afraid of just picking one thing for now and changing it if it doesn’t seem to fit later on! I’d note however that what you’re describing is definitely something that’s true of the trans women in my life, especially in the first few months of identifying as something other than cis, and that lots of them did go through IDing as genderfluid or non-binary at first. That’s okay! Not doing that and deciding you’re a trans woman is also okay!
I've been really confused about my gender identity recently because at first I thought I might be genderfluid but I don't feel like I switch between boy and girl, I just feel like a girl but recently I've really been wanting to wear boys clothes and look like as much as a boy as I can (but I think I still want to look like a girl and wear girl's clothes sometimes) Do you know if there is a name for this? Thanks
You could be a girl who likes wearing boy’s clothes/looking like a boy. That doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with your gender identity. You could be someone who likes crossdressing, or a drag king, or butch, or a tomboy, or just a girl who likes to look a certain way.
I came out to my group counselor as genderfluid today, and she was very accepting and open about it. She even offered to be in the room when I tell my one on one therapist, and has even helped me to find a gender therapist that I can afford.
I'm genderfluid (although I usually just say I'm non-binary), but I also identify as lesbian (I'm dfab). Often times people say I can't be non-binary AND gay. Is my identity technically possible without being contradictory?
Identities are complicated things. If that combination of identities feels right to you, that’s fine. You’re not alone there. Just make sure you’re not being anything like this (misgendering/being transmisogynistic/cissexist/transphobic towards other people through your identity), and you’re golden.
Hi! I was wondering if there are some offensive tropes/cliches I should be aware while writing a gender fluid character? I'm making a webcomic loosely based on Scandinavian mythology (which sports more than one instance of a character shifting their gender), so I decided to give it a modern twist and actually address the fact that gender can be fluid and change instead of using it for laughs. Would shape-shifting to another gender while expressing said identity be considered bad cliche?
I think that would be fine as long as you don’t act like their body changing is the same as their gender changing. Make sure you don’t conflate their physical changes with their gender changes, even if for them the two may be related. It would also be good if you could point out that there exist genderfluid people who can’t shapeshift. What I guess I’m saying is, don’t fall into cissexist patterns that imply the shape of a person’s body defines their gender.
Help? For about as long as I can remember I have been genderfluid (female, androgynous, and agender), and I started fully identifying as fluid about a year ago, but I've been feeling increasingly more agender for about 2 months and I don't know what to identify as? I'm still comfortable presenting more femme, but I'm just...I'm losing my gendered identification...I'm hopelessly lost.
I see how that could be scary, but I think it’s a thing that happens to a lot of people. Sometimes our gender does something we’re not used to and it throws off our whole understanding. It might stay like that, and it might go back to what you’re used to, or it might to do something else. but there’s not much you can do about it either way, and it’s okay. Anyway, this doesn’t mean you’re not genderfluid. You don’t have to have a gender that changes all the time to be genderfluid; it just has to change sometimes, and that’s clearly the case for you. It’ll be okay.
Genderfluid vs Genderqueer: i ID as genderfluid, which means yeah sometimes i feel like a dude and sometimes i feel like a lady and sometimes my brain cant decide. I also id as genderqueer, because my personal definitions consider that to be an umbrella term for nonbinary folks. :D just to throw another personal experience in there!
I just wanted to come by and share something that made me very happy today. It’s my first day at college and I have a lanyard to hold my ID card. I decided to write pronoun sets on little pieces of paper and stick them in the other side of my ID holder so that in future I’ll be able to easily show people which pronouns I’d prefer at any given moment/day. I’m pretty proud of thinking of this and I just thought it might be useful for others too. :)
Hi I'm 18 and have been genderfluid for about 3-4 years now (i mean i discoverd i was, about 3-4 years ago) i was born with male parts. i am familiar with the concept of binding for those born with female features, and i was wondering if anyone had any suggestions as to how i could do sort of a "binding" thing to make my physical features more feminine. thanks for the help, love, and support!
What is going on a low dose of T / going on it for a short time like? Like.. What changes would you experience? I'm ddab genderfluid, but I feel more boyish in the way that I want to look. But I have been avoiding anything to do with T because of the changes that I don't want to experience (ie voice change, facial hair)
Going on a low dose of T is just like going on a high dose of T except that the changes happen more slowly. But they all still happen, and they all still happen in the same order. The lower the dose, the slower they happen.
Going on T and then stopping means that you keep whatever permanent changes you acquired during that time, not getting any further changes that you would if you kept going, and losing the temporary changes. For example: fat redistribution, cessation of menstruation, and muscle growth are all temporary changes and after stopping would revert back to how they were pre-T. Same for more subtle things like changes in smell and sex drive and skin texture. Voice change, facial and body hair growth, genital growth, and any bone structural changes would remain at the level they were when you stopped T. Most major changes happen in, let’s say, the first 6-9 months. Some more changes, such as a bit more genital growth and further facial hair growth would finish coming in by 2-5 years. Facial hair is one of the slowest changes—you’d have a few hair in a few months, a few more in a few more, and you wouldn’t have a full beard for years. Voice change, on the other hand, starts within weeks and goes down more or less to your final register by around 6-9 months. Permanent facial change is more subtle (and also strongly affects how people read you) but I want to say it happens at about the same rate as the voice change.
It’s hard to give even an approximate timeline for lower doses of T, because there’s a lot less data out there. But again, all the same changes, just spread over a longer period of time, and able to be cut off whenever you like. Depending on how much smaller your dose is, the changes of six months might happen over a year, or two years, or three years. It’s hard to say.
Keep in mind all of this varies depending on your genetics and so on, and different people will have changes in different orders, at different speeds, and to different extents. That’s best predicted by looking at your cis male family members. This is just a rough outline I’m giving—none of it can be completely accurately predicted. Also, unfortunately to us all, it’s impossible to control which changes you get and to what extent. The most you can do on that front is hope that your desired changes come before the undesired changes and are permanent, and stop before the undesired changes come. But that’s just luck.
I started out wanting to do a low dose, but changed my mind out of impatience. Because I was (finally) prescribed my T by a pediatric endocrinologist, I was made to start on a (very) low dose anyway, and that was slowly increased until it was more or less the average. Which was frustrating. I had preferences about what changes I wanted too, and I’m still kind of ambivalent about my decision to stop—it’s possible that I’ll start again one day, but I’m not currently planning on it. I stopped when I did (at six months) in large part because I didn’t want to get much more body hair, but there were other changes I would have liked more of, and temporary changes I wish had been permanent.
Mostly due (I think) to my voice drop and changes in my facial bone structure, I am now read as male almost all the time, and I’m happy with that situation. Before T, I was read as male about 30-40% of the time. Again, this will vary. I know people who have been on T for years and still are almost never read as male, for example. They’re few and far between, but it happens. For others, it happens a lot faster. It really can’t be predicted. The good thing is that if you don’t like where the changes are headed, you can stop whenever you want. You can also start and stop as many times as you like, provided you can find either an amenable doctor or an informed consent clinic, and you have the money.
Do you mind explain the differences between gender queer and gender fluid?
Genderqueer can be a specific nonbinary identity, or, sometimes—less so recently—an umbrella term for nonbinary genders.
Genderfluid refers to a particular nonbinary identity that oscillates between two or more genders. Fluid is the key word there. It changes. Someone who is genderfluid may or may not also identify as genderqueer.
Genderqueer can mean different specific things to different people, or it can broadly speak of any gender that isn’t simply man or woman. It doesn’t necessarily change. It can, and most often does, refer to a static gender, as long as it’s one that isn’t sufficiently described by “man” or “woman”.
Many nonbinary people don’t use the word genderqueer to describe themselves, though. It’s a preference thing; it has specific political and personal connotations. So not every nonbinary person is genderqueer.
I’m having trouble saying this concisely, even though it’s a clear difference. My brain is being weird and I hope you can understand what I’m saying. Let’s try again—Genderfluid = specific identity involving gender that periodically changes into other genders. Genderqueer = term for various specific or general identities defined by being neither simply a man or a woman.
I'm a 16 y.o. biological female who feels like theyre in the right body sometimes and other times i just want to be a male so badly that it frustrates me, and other days i feel like nothing or anything, but i don't have any opportunities to really experiment since I'm in a household thats homophobic and transphobic. i don't know if i am genderfluid or just passing through a phase? please help!
You definitely sound genderfluid to me. I mean, what you said is pretty much the definition. Of course, no one can know but you.
I wouldn’t worry too much about the phase thing—I always feel like that’s a shame-inducing tool meant to keep us from exploring and experimenting with our identities, and it does much more harm than good. It’s possible that later you won’t feel the way you do anymore, and that’s okay. Even if that happened, it wouldn’t make what you’re feeling now invalid.
I’m sorry your living situation is like that. Perhaps you can find ways to experiment inside your head, or secretly, or find some supportive people who are safe and won’t tell your family with whom you can figure things out? I wish you luck. Be safe.