strifesolutionstower said: Hello, I'm genderfluid. Um, but I've been introducing myself as Non-Binary Trans. I'm not sure if that's the best way to convey that I wan't to achieve, as a trans person, a look that can be easily altered into any part of the gender spectrum. Any tips? Ideas?

That’s probably fine.  Genderfluid people generally are nonbinary and trans, so it’s accurate anyway.  I mean, it’s an umbrella that can mean a lot of different things, and it’s also an identity label so won’t really convey desired presentation.

 If what you want to express in looking for a label is desired presentation, and it’s important to you to be specific about it, maybe you could say things like that you want a flexible or androgynous presentation, or something.

 Or you could just say what you said here, if you want to be sure you’re communicating what you want to achieve.

-Riam

petiteelfqueen said: i'm not sure if this is the right place to ask about this. i'm dfab genderfluid and just recently came to terms with it. i'd really like to have shorter hair so i can look more masculine on days where i want to but also still look feminine when i want to. my hair would be very frizzy and poofy if i cut it that short, though, and i'm physically unable to use straighteners or hair-dryers on my own due to a disability. any suggestions for this?

It could look good short and frizzy, couldn’t it?  Or I suppose you could get it professionally permanently straightened, if you wanted to and had the money and all that? I have straight hair so I don’t know how much I can help here, but does anyone have any thoughts?

-Riam

Anonymous said: im genderfluid, and i was really nervous to tell my gf about it. when I told her she said shes going to take a bit to get used to it because "I expected to get a gf but instead got 3-in-one. A gf, bf, and a nonbinary partner"

Well, that sounds hopeful? I think?  Good luck!

-Riam

(Reblogged from beyondthebinaryuk)

Anonymous said: Do you have any advice on how to come out to family as gender fluid? I want to tell my mom, but I don't really know what to say or how to say it...

anon: I found this blog last night, and it’s already explained much to me and I’ve gotten a lot of advice from looking through your tags. I’m DMAB, was trying to educate myself on LGBTQIA+ and found genderfluid. I came out on my page after I was sure, and I’ve generally been accepted. I still feel very nervous about coming out to my immediate family, however, since my youngest brother and uncle are very phobic of anything that doesn’t “fit,” and I’m not sure if they’ll be toxic or not. Any advice?
anon: Hi, I’m really scared about coming out as genderfluid to a romantic interest, I don’t know what to say and I don’t know how he’ll react to the girl he likes (and he does only like girls!) not being a girl all the time. If I could get some help on how to tell him (I feel obligated to because he needs to know before a relationship is even in the prospect and because he’s my friend.) that’d be lovely.
: What’s the best way to explain genderfluidity/gender as a spectrum to your family and friends? I’m afraid they’ll misinterpret my coming out to them as me being ftm trans*; though I lean towards male, I’m still very much gender-neutral and genderfluid. Thank you!
anon: I’m really scared right now. I’m coming out as gender fluid at the ripe old age of 26! But here’s the kicker, I’m afraid that it’s a phase or that people are right and that what I’m feeling isn’t real. I don’t know what to do. I’m so scared right now and feel super alone. I have one gender queer friend who is super supportive and two more that are cis but everybody else NO! I’m alright w/ my body and don’t want to transition, and I lean more towards female then male but not alot. What do I do?

Coming out!  It’s a very individual experience, and how to do it depends greatly on your situation, who you are, and to whom you’re coming out.  Here are some thoughts:

  • If you already know that they’re hostile to transness, queerness, or nonbinary-ness, you need to make sure of your safety. Consider if you may be in danger of physical violence, emotional abuse, or losing your home, funds, etc.  Also consider your mental health in terms of how it’s affected by not coming out, and take that seriously as well.  Weigh the two against each other to decide whether you want to come out, then, or to wait until you’re not under their roof or not dependent on them if you are, or not come out at all.  It’s not required, and may not in all cases be a good idea.  If you decide to come out, have back-up plans to ensure your safety.  Do you have somewhere you can go if you are in danger or are kicked out of the house?  What leverage do they have over you, and can you remove it?  Are they paying for your tuition, food, etc, and if so do you have alternate channels you can get those funds from?
  • Do you want to come out in person, or through a letter, email, Facebook, etc?  Consider whether you tend to lose your ability to communicate/argue when anxious, overwhelmed, or emotional.  If so, it may be helpful to you to do it in writing, so you can lay out all your points beforehand.  In this situation, you also need to decide how you’ll get the message to the person—hand it to them? email it? Also think about whether the individual may react differently to receiving this information in writing or face-to-face.
  • If the number of people you want to come out to is overwhelming, maybe you could come out first to just one person who you believe will be sympathetic, and ask them to tell others on your behalf.  Alternately, you could come out via a mass email or social media post.  Consider how the people in question might react to receiving the information in this way.
  • Consider whether you want to give them the information all at once or gradually.  Are they the type of person who might become overwhelmed and react badly if given too much information at once?  Or are they the type who might become impatient and come to their own, unfavorable conclusions if the information doesn’t come fast enough?
  • Do you want to provide resources?  You could give them links or books.  Or you could try to tell them everything yourself.  Try to think of every objection or question they might raise, and come up with a resource or argument that responds to it.
  • Some people might react badly.  That sucks, but it’s true.  They might say you’re making it up/an abomination/there’s no such thing/everyone’s like that/if you were really x you’d blah blah blah/etc.  You should try to come up with arguments and resources that refute those ideas, but the fact remains that some people will think that no matter what.  Be prepared to lose friends.  Be prepared to make the choice to give up friends, if they consistently invalidate or hurt you.  Try to find people who are supportive, and surround yourself with them like armor.  Try to gain as much self-esteem and confidence in yourself as you can.
  • Children generally react well.  They haven’t had as much time to be indoctrinated in transphobic society as adults have.  On the other hand, they’re more impressionable and intellectually malleable, so if they’re close to a prejudiced adult, they may just parrot all their views and not listen.  But generally, if you explain the ideas to children in a clear and age-appropriate problem, and answer their questions, they’ll react well.
  • You also have to decide whether you want to do a “Sit down, I want to talk to you about something important,” or just casually slip it into conversation, like “and I’m genderfluid, so (relevant rest of sentence).”  The advantage to the latter is that often when you present something like it’s no big deal, people will react like it’s no big deal, because of social convention.  This is more likely to work if you don’t have a close emotional connection with the person, and if they don’t already have firmly established views on the subject.  It can give you the advantage in the conversation, or it can backfire if they react in a way you’re not expecting and you’re put off balance.
  • If you’re concerned they’ll misinterpret what you’re saying, just make sure to be super clear.  Like, “I’m not x, I’m y, and here’s the difference.”  Invite them to ask questions to get a feel for how much they understand of what you’ve told them.
  • If you’re inclined to get emotional when talking about important/stressful/emotionally significant topics, you need to take that into account.  It may be a reason to do the coming out in writing, if it makes it difficult for you to express yourself clearly, or at least write out your points so you can refer to them.  It could be an advantage, if the person sees your pain and decides to go easier on you with their questions/arguments than they would otherwise.  On the other hand, they might see your pain as a weakness and use it as an opportunity to press until you’re overwhelmed into incoherence, and then declare themselves the winner and you as not knowing what you’re talking about.
  • Try to anticipate what points, arguments, objections, or questions they might have, and come up with counter-arguments or answers, whether yourself or through resources.  Also consider how much personal information you’re willing to share, and how to respond to personal questions. 
  • Consider whether you want to introduce the topic first to get them used to it, then come out yourself, then explain the personal details.  This could help in that you get them used to the ideas and you feel out how they’re going to react.  On the other hand, they’re quite likely to figure out that’s what you’re doing before you officially come out, especially if you have strong emotional responses in arguments, and if they’re not the completely oblivious type.  This removes your control of their discovery.
  • After a certain point, if you’ve decided you want to do it, you have to stop worrying and just jump.  Prepare as much as possible, wait until you’re ready, but it’s still going to be terrifying, and there’s still going to be that moment like you’re jumping off a cliff.  At that point, what you need isn’t more information or more preparation or more anything.  You just need to hold your breath and jump.
  • Once you’ve come out: be patient.  It’s likely that they’ll need some time to adjust, and that they’ll be significantly more supportive months to years after you’ve come out than directly after.  Keep that in mind, though don’t hold your breath, and take care of yourself.
  • If there’s something you need from them, like a change in names or pronouns, or help buying something, you need to decide whether you want to do that at once or later.  Again, be patient with them; they may refuse initially and come round later.  Be ready for lots of conversations and explanations and arguments.  Also be ready for them to stick their heads in the sand and pretend you never came out at all.  If they do that, you need to decide whether to leave it, bring it up again, remind them how/why it’s important to you, or what.

Resources: [link] [link] [link] [link] [link] [link] [link] [link] [link] At the bottom of this post of mine, there are a bunch of resources to give people you’re coming out to.

-Riam

ophiucha:

theveganhooligan:

transcreature:

How to make cleavage

Reblogging this for all of my mtf sisters out there that might not know how to make a nice cleavage, this is a really great how-to. Check it out!

Signal boosting for my followers! :) Just remember, ladies and non-binary cleavage lovers, that those silicone bras can be tightened to a point where you can hurt yourself and you should avoid this. Try not to wear excessively tightened bras for more than a few hours at a time, take them off when you go to sleep, and if you begin to bruise or get rashes in the general bra area, don’t wear them for a few days. Also, if it hurts immediately, readjust!

I often see warnings about this for binders for the ftm crowd, but it’s important to remember that anything strapped tightly around your chest can cause harm and circulation issues. Stay safe, dearies, and look fabulous! 

(Reblogged from cisprivilege)

Anonymous said: So I'm AMAB and some days I really feel like a girl, but other days I feel fine being a guy. The thing is, I can't tell whether I'm genderfluid, or if I'm a trans woman who just has some days where the dysphoria isn't so bad. What is the difference?

Honestly, this is a really hard question to answer. I’ve found that for a lot of people identifying as genderfluid is something that they do when they’re exploring their identity in the early stages, and that the fluctuating dysphoria either evens out or becomes something they recognize as what you’re describing, it just not being as bad some days.

A lot of binary trans or more static non-binary people have that experience! They start off swinging, not sure who or what they are, and it evens out. That doesn’t make being genderfluid long-term something that is rare or wrong, though! Different people experience gender differently. I was very clearly fluid as a child, but not so much now; I know lots of people who’ve had the opposite experience, a sort of genderlessness or non-binary experience of childhood and then more overt fluidity in adulthood, and of course tons of people don’t have any inkling they’re trans until late in life.

It’s okay to not know what you are. It’s okay to want to know what you are, and to be frustrated with this! Time will probably help you work it out. Don’t be afraid of just picking one thing for now and changing it if it doesn’t seem to fit later on! I’d note however that what you’re describing is definitely something that’s true of the trans women in my life, especially in the first few months of identifying as something other than cis, and that lots of them did go through IDing as genderfluid or non-binary at first. That’s okay! Not doing that and deciding you’re a trans woman is also okay!

Good luck, in any case.

-Key

Anonymous said: Hey looking for subtle ways of looking more feminine for male body, not ready yet for full shebang but i want to experiment around, any ideas?

You could try out some make-up, or try tucking, or try more androgynous clothing, or experiment with your body language.  Anyone else have ideas?

-Riam

Anonymous said: I've been really confused about my gender identity recently because at first I thought I might be genderfluid but I don't feel like I switch between boy and girl, I just feel like a girl but recently I've really been wanting to wear boys clothes and look like as much as a boy as I can (but I think I still want to look like a girl and wear girl's clothes sometimes) Do you know if there is a name for this? Thanks

You could be a girl who likes wearing boy’s clothes/looking like a boy.  That doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with your gender identity.  You could be someone who likes crossdressing, or a drag king, or butch, or a tomboy, or just a girl who likes to look a certain way.

-Riam

Anonymous said: I came out to my group counselor as genderfluid today, and she was very accepting and open about it. She even offered to be in the room when I tell my one on one therapist, and has even helped me to find a gender therapist that I can afford.

That’s great!

Anonymous said: I'm genderfluid (although I usually just say I'm non-binary), but I also identify as lesbian (I'm dfab). Often times people say I can't be non-binary AND gay. Is my identity technically possible without being contradictory?

Identities are complicated things.  If that combination of identities feels right to you, that’s fine.  You’re not alone there.  Just make sure you’re not being anything like this (misgendering/being transmisogynistic/cissexist/transphobic towards other people through your identity), and you’re golden.

-Riam

Anonymous said: Is it bad that I get mad at people when they say, "I'm fine with it and I accept you, but it doesn't matter because you're female and not going to transition."

No, it’s not bad.  Those people are transphobic, cissexist jerks and are lying when they say they accept you.  That’s not what acceptance looks like.

-Riam