Anonymous said: im confused about myself, i think i might be genderfluid but im not sure, how would i know....?

Does your gender shift around?  Congrats, you’re genderfluid.

By gender, I don’t mean sometimes you like to wear pants and sometimes you like to wear skirts, or going shopping vs playing football, or being gruff and macho vs caring and gentle.  I just mean sometimes you feel you’re (for example) a boy, and other times you feel you’re (for example) a girl, or other times you feel you’re (for example) some specific nonbinary identity…you can shift around between any number of points, binary or not, regular or not, at any time interval.  There’s lots of variety.

It’s okay to not know, and it’s okay to be unsure, and it’s okay to think you’re genderfluid and later change your mind.  It’s okay to use whatever pronouns or names you want, and dress however you want.  It’s a descriptor, not a set of rules.  And what it’s describing is that your gender identity—that’s your internal sense of “I am (insert gender here)”—has a habit of changing.  Which can manifest in any number of ways.  Some people can pinpoint their gender identity more easily than others, and some people have a stronger sense of gender identity than others.  For some people the change is more dramatic than others.  And people come at figuring out what exactly their (temporary or permanent) gender identity is from any number of angles, if it’s not immediately apparent.  

Hope that helps.

-Riam

Anonymous said: I'm always confused by the technical terms but if I'm genderfluid or possibly two spirit, even if I typically express myself as female and I'm FAAB, I'm NOT considered cis, right? I'm still new to terminology and I'd like to be better informed. It's not a term for everyone other than trans right? It just means if you identify as your assigned at birth gender.

Yes.  Well, many people see being trans as just meaning identifying as other than their assigned at birth gender, trans doesn’t have to just mean binary.  But you are correct, what you are describing is not cis.  You also have free claim to the word trans if you want it.

(Two spirit has a different cultural context that I don’t know much about—I think some two-spirit people identify as trans and some don’t, as it can mean a great variety of different things, and some reject those European words/constructs entirely.  Also two spirit is a culturally specific term, so don’t use it if you’re white, etc.  Anyone who knows more about this than I do is free to weigh in.)

-Riam

Anonymous said: I think your follower count link is broken... Clicking it either gives spammy-type-stuff, or would you like to buy a domain name...

Yikes. Neither Riam or I have actually modified the site appearance since the last mod set it up, and it really needs a redo in general - does anybody have suggestions for themes? I’ll sit down and do it next week if I’m done with assignments/legal drama.

-Key

attention non-english speakers who have struggled to find gender neutral pronouns

zouisgate:

there is a very good compilation of gender neutral pronouns in a variety of different languages that can be found here! it’s really helpful and a lot of thought and help has gone into it from people who speak these as their native language! i definitely recommend you go check it out

(Reblogged from zouisgate)

Anonymous said: Do you have any insights to or know any blogs for sexual fluidity? And like what it is exactly? And does it have to be fluctuating between genders or like if you always like blonde girls but then like a brunette girl randomly- is that a form of fluidity? Because it deviates from what you typically are?

I don’t know of any blogs, no.

That said, I understand gender-based sexuality being fluid, especially alongside a fluid gender, but honestly: the hair color example you’ve got there, if it’s serious, is indicative of larger problems in how you conceive sexuality. 

People are attractive for a range of reasons! Sometimes one particular person who’s “not your type” might stick out and be attractive to you! That’s not necessarily implying that your sexuality has changed! There’s a reason our everyday conversations about sexuality sometimes have “I’d go straight for X” or similar: even with gender, there’s often a couple of exceptions to a norm, and that’s okay. 

Also: your “type” will change over time! I used to be exclusively attracted to thin white guys who were blonde and blue-eyed. That was mostly me being influenced by internalized racism and homophobia and a really fucked up understanding of beauty standards tied to the internalized racism, to be honest. Now I’m very much not. A lot of that was working on myself because I didn’t want to be that person. I still am disproportionately attracted to white people, and that’s stuff I’m still unpacking about the way I grew up believing white people were the prettiest and the best, but I’m doing what I can.

(Even if I hadn’t done deliberate work on myself and analyzed why I liked the people I did, and whether that was set in stone or kind of based on things I didn’t want to be, I think my attractions would have changed over time. I know for sure they do for lots and lots of people.)

In short: this might be something you want to put a label on, but: I’d strongly discourage both the labelling of something as trivial as hair color and the uncritical assumption that who you like is just who you like and there’s nothing you can change about it, only go along with the ride that is a changing sexuality.

-Key

Anonymous said: hi there! i need some help, i think. i've known i'm nonbinary for a long time, it's just.. i don't really know what to call myself. i have days where i feel like a girl, or days where i feel like a boy, but most of the time i don't feel like anything. i don't think agender seems like the right word, though.. do you think genderfluid is a good word for me?

You could call yourself genderfluid if you like.  There are lots of other genderfluid people who sometimes don’t have a gender.  

You could also call yourself agender if you like—if you’re genderless enough of the time that it seems fair to you to round up/down to agender, there’s nothing wrong with that.

Or maybe you could use the terms graygender, like mostly agender but not quite, or agenderflux, or agenderfluid, or mostly agender, or libragender, or librafluid, or demiagender, or meta-agender, or para-agender, or genderflux, or fluidflux, or subfluid.  I’m just looking around and throwing stuff out there now, if you’re really looking for a word that closely describes your gender experience.

Mostly the definitions don’t quite fit, but they could maybe be close enough.

Basically it’s your choice, and it’s okay to call yourself something that isn’t a perfect fit.  Most of our genders are a little different from each other anyway, even when we group ourselves under the same category.

Here are some other people who seem to have similar experiences as you.

-Riam

girlkisser2k14:

i feel like a lot of young trans women and people who are considering becoming trans women don’t realise how fast the changes from HRT happen, or even what the changes entail; i don’t know even a single trans woman who has had top surgery, and i only know one who has had facial feminisation surgery.

boobs happen fast, facial changes happen fast, body fat moves fast, it all happens more quickly than i ever realised it would’ve. one day i just sort of woke up like “holy shit i’m so girly” without even really thinking about it

if you’re worrying about HRT and how it might effect your body and whether or not it will be worth it: it’s worth it. it’s completely worth it. for $60 a month (and some Illegal Online Bullshit) i have managed to become more happy and comfortable in my body than i ever imagined i could have

(Reblogged from ohnoproblems)

Anonymous said: Hi, I'm going into my Junior year of high school in about a week, and this'll be the first year I'll be fully open with my genderfluidity, and I'd like to start going by my new name and pronouns (I only use one set and one name). I'd really like for my teachers to use them, too, but I'm nervous about asking. How should I go about asking them to use them? Should I ask at all?

Maybe before you start, you could send emails to your teachers saying something like “[polite fluff] On your paper I’m listed as [legal name], but I use the name [new name], and my pronouns are [pronouns], and I’d like you to call me those things instead. [polite fluff]”  Or you could go up to each teacher after/before class and say something similar.  Here’s another template.  Some teachers may be more amenable than others, and some may forget or “forget,” but it’s okay to ask.  I did.  Depending on where you live, it’s unlikely you’ll encounter outright hostility from your teachers in response, even if they don’t approve, but it’s always a possibility, and it’s something to be prepared for.  There’s no “should,” as unhelpful as that is—it’s a decision you have to make for yourself, based on your situation and needs.  Good luck!

-Riam

Anonymous said: I see you guys give so much advice to everyone regardless of their situation..you always try to help and send resources if you don't have experience with it. And I see a constant theme that you tell people that they're normal, and okay, and absolutely loved and supported. I just love seeing all of your unconditional support, it makes me so happy! So thank you :)

Thank you!  I’m so glad :)

-Riam

Anonymous said: hi! i wanted to ask if it's a bad thing for someone to switch their orientation around or their gender/pronouns or the name they go by a lot while trying to figure out what they are? i'm still figuring out all the terms and what feels nice for me, so i switch these around at times.

That’s perfectly okay.  It’s a good way to experiment and learn about yourself and figure things out.  

-Riam

Anonymous said: I'm physically female with no room for doubt and I love dressing myself up and being girly. But inside my head, I'm all male, and these conflicting self-images are really taking a toll on me. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like a man, AM a man, but I love being the woman me, too. I don't know what to do. Please help.

You can be a man and still feminine, still dress yourself up and be girly. Those things are okay.   Maybe you’re a femme trans man, or a trans man who enjoys crossdressing.  There are lots of other people like you.  You might find these links useful.

-Riam

Anonymous said: Are we deceitful by nature? Rather like how many gays/lesbians IME distrust bisexuals (sad), are genderfluids presenting a fake façade? I feel more comfortable and empowered as a guy but exciting and alluring as a woman. When someone I was seeing saw both sides to me, she was disgusted. Not because of how I dress or my orientation or whatever, but beause she thought the radical changes in presentation made me fake. It stung to be called a deceitful fake, but I can almost see the validity.

Uh, no.  There’s nothing fake about being true to yourself.  There’s nothing fake about taking pleasure in your appearance and presentation.  There’s nothing fake about making choices regarding your presentation that make you most comfortable and happy.  It’s okay to have multiple facets.  It’s okay to be complicated.  I’m sorry someone treated you like that.

-Riam