Anonymous said: Sort of the reverse of anon worried about 'they'. I am thinking I might be genderqueer, but am at least for now comfortable with 'she' (I'm AFAB). I don't want to change my body to read as male/masculine. But I don't feel cis, in the unquestioning way described in your answer at least. Thing IS, I have trans* friends (and gf) and I am scared of talking about this and being offensive/seeming to try to sickly 'join in'. Is it ok for me to feel not-cis and want to come out as such to close ppl?
I think a lot of the stuff I said to the “they” anon (linking for other people’s reference) is relevant to you as well, for similar reasons. Long story short, the journey from cis to trans is across some kind of weird no man’s land where things are weird and your pronouns or aspirations for your body or whatever may not all line up in the way expected of your “typical trans person”, and you shouldn’t feel bad for trying to cross that land, or for deciding that you’re happy to never be like the “typical trans person”.
On a more personal level, I want to talk about me for a little bit, because I don’t know of any other way to explain this. Gender is an incredibly weird thing, and it was actually identifying as trans which took me from the little kid who bit people if she was put into a dress and wore nothing but cargo pants for years to the still-pretty-short kid who’s suddenly discovered a love for floral prints and showing off their fantastic legs in tights.
I totally didn’t expect that. I came to exploring gender consciously as a teenager because I knew that girlhood wasn’t for me, but I thought that was about clothing, about the way I was wired, about the way it was impossible for me to intuitively understand what the other girls were always on about. That’s not at all what it’s about for me now - I’ve sussed out a fashion/presentation space that I quite like at the moment, and it’s pretty feminine; the brain stuff I’ve mostly worked out to being autistic and otherwise non-neurotypical in a world that’s not exactly kind to girls who aren’t.
I’m still not a girl, and I’m on my way to starting testosterone in a way I never thought I would want, and I’m dressing in pastel colors I never thought I’d wear, ever, and I started off being uncomfortable with anything but “she” pronouns and now I flinch at them (and that may change again in the future - my relationship with womanhood is constantly changing), and… well, basically, literally everything about the nuances of how and why I identify as trans has flipped around except that I still, obviously, identify as trans.
What I’m saying here is: transness is weird as hell, and whatever you feel or do is probably something somebody else has done at some point! I can’t guarantee your friends will understand that and will accept your exploration of yourself, but one of the greatest things in my recent life is watching people I used to know as cis queer people explore gender and come out and become totally different people in the way they interact with gender, even though the steps along the way might not be the exact same ones I took. For me and many of my friends, being a trans person who’s friends with people new to not being cis is a joy. It’s an honour to be part of that process, one of the people trusted with that, and I try to live up to it and be the best “trans big sibling” I can be, and I really do hope your friends are the same.