Anonymous said: Sort of the reverse of anon worried about 'they'. I am thinking I might be genderqueer, but am at least for now comfortable with 'she' (I'm AFAB). I don't want to change my body to read as male/masculine. But I don't feel cis, in the unquestioning way described in your answer at least. Thing IS, I have trans* friends (and gf) and I am scared of talking about this and being offensive/seeming to try to sickly 'join in'. Is it ok for me to feel not-cis and want to come out as such to close ppl?

I think a lot of the stuff I said to the “they” anon (linking for other people’s reference) is relevant to you as well, for similar reasons. Long story short, the journey from cis to trans is across some kind of weird no man’s land where things are weird and your pronouns or aspirations for your body or whatever may not all line up in the way expected of your “typical trans person”, and you shouldn’t feel bad for trying to cross that land, or for deciding that you’re happy to never be like the “typical trans person”.

On a more personal level, I want to talk about me for a little bit, because I don’t know of any other way to explain this. Gender is an incredibly weird thing, and it was actually identifying as trans which took me from the little kid who bit people if she was put into a dress and wore nothing but cargo pants for years to the still-pretty-short kid who’s suddenly discovered a love for floral prints and showing off their fantastic legs in tights.

I totally didn’t expect that. I came to exploring gender consciously as a teenager because I knew that girlhood wasn’t for me, but I thought that was about clothing, about the way I was wired, about the way it was impossible for me to intuitively understand what the other girls were always on about. That’s not at all what it’s about for me now - I’ve sussed out a fashion/presentation space that I quite like at the moment, and it’s pretty feminine; the brain stuff I’ve mostly worked out to being autistic and otherwise non-neurotypical in a world that’s not exactly kind to girls who aren’t.

I’m still not a girl, and I’m on my way to starting testosterone in a way I never thought I would want, and I’m dressing in pastel colors I never thought I’d wear, ever, and I started off being uncomfortable with anything but “she” pronouns and now I flinch at them (and that may change again in the future - my relationship with womanhood is constantly changing), and… well, basically, literally everything about the nuances of how and why I identify as trans has flipped around except that I still, obviously, identify as trans.

What I’m saying here is: transness is weird as hell, and whatever you feel or do is probably something somebody else has done at some point! I can’t guarantee your friends will understand that and will accept your exploration of yourself, but one of the greatest things in my recent life is watching people I used to know as cis queer people explore gender and come out and become totally different people in the way they interact with gender, even though the steps along the way might not be the exact same ones I took. For me and many of my friends, being a trans person who’s friends with people new to not being cis is a joy. It’s an honour to be part of that process, one of the people trusted with that, and I try to live up to it and be the best “trans big sibling” I can be, and I really do hope your friends are the same.

-Key

Anonymous said: Can you tell me what the colors of the genderfluid flag represent?

Well, I didn’t make it, but my guess would be: pink represents girl, blue represents boy, purple represents both/in between, white represents no gender, black represents genders that don’t have to do with male or female.  So the idea would be genderfluid people shift between genders like those.  If anyone knows better, do tell.

-Riam

Anonymous said: I'm really unsure about my gender or what I want for myself, so I thought here on tumblr I'd ask for they pronouns for now to see how it feels... But today I saw a post that said it's not ok for cis people to use they, and as i don't really id as trans (yet?) that upset me a lot. I guess i get it somehow... but on the other hand when "they" is used as a default for any unknown person it's also used on cis ppl and i'd just like to keep the default because i'm not sure myself? is that problematic?

Anon, I was about to go to bed, and I haven’t been answering messages on here for a bit because my workload and mental health are both ridiculous at the moment, but I feel like you need this answer now, and that I can give it.

The short answer is this: you’re not cis. You’re not trans, not if you don’t ID as trans, but you can just be “not-cis”. You don’t read as cis to me, at least, and I’d encourage you to go ahead with your exploration. Have you considered the word “agender” as a potential label? My agender partner’s expressed a lot of the same sentiment you do here about your gender.

The longer answer is this: these posts are targeted at cis people in the sense of “people who have no desire to question their cisness or gender”, in general. Most of us went from cis to trans at some point. We had to have switched (names/pronouns/presentation/any or none or all of the above) at some point, but we most likely wouldn’t have changed all those things at once right at the moment we “jump” from cis to trans. There’s no magical switch to be flipped, anon. It’s a gradual process, and sometimes some of the pieces take longer than the others, and sometimes some pieces come in an order which might seem conventionally poorly-advised. That’s all okay.

The thing about reading things on the Internet is that sometimes you end up just quickly categorizing things into “good” and “bad”, where there’s a lot of other pieces to the puzzle? In this case, the piece that the short pithy text posts don’t have room to contain is this: how did the people who currently use “they” get to where they are? It’s the same reason I sometimes get a bit uncomfortable about people talking about drag queens as a group completely separate from trans women and with no shared experience like there’s nobody who’s both, or who was a drag queen and became a trans woman. Gender is complicated, and the way we get to who we are at any given point is complicated, and every step on that journey is one that we can’t possibly appropriate from our later selves.

"What if I decide ‘they’ wasn’t for me? Am I being appropriative by having used it?" Well - no, not really. If you were a cis person - if you were a cis person, as in, you were sure of your gender and that you were cis when you tried those pronouns - then yes, that would’ve been kind of messed up. But, I mean, somebody who eventually comes out as a trans woman hasn’t appropriated anything by having once identified as a femme gay man, and similar. Who you become is the sum of all the people you’ve been, and the identity-related choices your past selves have made at any given point are all valid for that person. If future-you is cis, then future-you’s use of “they” pronouns would be poorly-advised, but surely that doesn’t affect current-you’s use. 

Don’t be a jerk, basically: if you’re sure you’re cis, pronouns aren’t a cool thing to just try separate of the way they’re fundamental to gender discourse and identity in this current world. If you’re not sure you’re cis, welcome to the club. Cisness is such a harsh, gender-policing thing - transness doesn’t need to be the same. Surely we have room for people who just aren’t sure yet to see if being trans, or a particular name, or a particular pronoun, feels like home.

-Key

Anonymous said: So I've been researching genderfluidity a bit and while it seems to fit me there's one part that confuses me: gender-selfs(ves?), your masculine self versus your feminine self. Do you need to have different selfs to be genderfluid or can you just always present as feminine an be uncomfortable some of the time?

You do not have to have different selves.  You do not need to change your presentation.  You just need to sometimes identify as one gender and sometimes identify as another gender.  Hope that helps.

-RIam

Anonymous said: Hi there! I'm Jay/Jaye (depending on wether I'm feeling male or female) and do you have any idea on how I could explain to my teachers that no I am not "young lady" today or I'm sorry today I'm "young man" when they always seem to say that "no you have to chose one gender,right now, choose"that's not the exact quote but it's what they tend to imply (most of them have been really accepting, that gym teacher though...)

Maybe you could ask them to avoid using gendered phrases like that for you entirely?  Or you could go up to them before class and let them know which you’d like them to use that day, or wear some sort accessory or badge that would let them know.  If they’re unwilling to even try to avoid misgendering you, though, I don’t know what you could do…you could try setting aside some time to explain why it’s important to you and what it all means, or send them an email, but how effective that would be depends on the person.

-Riam

Anonymous said: I know binding while working out is bad, but is binding while weight lifting bad?

Well, that still counts as working out, so probably the same rules apply.  I think the issue has something to do with the expansion of your chest being restricted when combined with the heavier breathing caused by exercise.  it’s probably more about how much you exercise, not what type of exercise you’re doing.  the severity of the problem will vary.  to be honest, when i wore a binder i still bound while exercising, and I never had a problem.  i don’t want to encourage anyone to do anything that might be detrimental to their health though.  i’m not a doctor, i really don’t know how bad the risks are, but it’s a personal choice, weighing what the pros and cons are and how important they are to you.  whether weight lifting is more or less bad just probably has to do with how much it affects your breathing, plus range of motion, issues with ribs or back.

-Riam

Anonymous said: i have a question! ive been using male pronouns since last year, and they feel comfortable to me, but sometimes i dont feel male. if im in an unfamiliar place or around many other male friends, i feel more male (which comes with a bad feeling since i havent been able to come out in real life.) but when im in a familiar place or around female friends, i feel fine with my given name and female pronouns; i dont even feel like it's a compromise, i prefer it. what does this mean?

Sounds like you’re sort of situation-dependent genderfluid, and that you’ve figured out what works for you, or what will if you come out.  Good luck with everything.

-Riam

Anonymous said: Do you know if the military has any regulations regarding trans men?

What military? The NZ Army’s all right, as far as I know.

-Key

Hey all. My name is Kayden(roughloveiskey) I just really want to meet some new people. I live in the Vancouver area in bc but even if you don’t live near by hit me up cuz I have kik as well. I am ftm transgender and will be starting T next month. Please msg me I love to meet new people.

hi there!! my name is ckylar,15, genderfluid (of course), and bi. i live in southern ontario (canada).

i’m really passionate about music and people who like the same obscure things as me. i’m single, but have a huge crush on someone and cannot imagine dating someone else, but that’s probably not the healthiest mindset.

i’d really like to make some new friends, even though i’m pretty bad at keeping up a conversation, which i apologize for in advance.

i also really like batman, doctor who, gorillaz, and grimes.

come talk to me at carlostheperfecthairedscientist.tumblr.com :)

klutzygeek:

have a diary comic about today. i don’t even know what i was trying to say but it’s really fucking cute apparently

(Reblogged from klutzygeek)