Showing posts tagged askbox

Anonymous said: Hi, I'm going into my Junior year of high school in about a week, and this'll be the first year I'll be fully open with my genderfluidity, and I'd like to start going by my new name and pronouns (I only use one set and one name). I'd really like for my teachers to use them, too, but I'm nervous about asking. How should I go about asking them to use them? Should I ask at all?

Maybe before you start, you could send emails to your teachers saying something like “[polite fluff] On your paper I’m listed as [legal name], but I use the name [new name], and my pronouns are [pronouns], and I’d like you to call me those things instead. [polite fluff]”  Or you could go up to each teacher after/before class and say something similar.  Here’s another template.  Some teachers may be more amenable than others, and some may forget or “forget,” but it’s okay to ask.  I did.  Depending on where you live, it’s unlikely you’ll encounter outright hostility from your teachers in response, even if they don’t approve, but it’s always a possibility, and it’s something to be prepared for.  There’s no “should,” as unhelpful as that is—it’s a decision you have to make for yourself, based on your situation and needs.  Good luck!


Anonymous said: I see you guys give so much advice to everyone regardless of their always try to help and send resources if you don't have experience with it. And I see a constant theme that you tell people that they're normal, and okay, and absolutely loved and supported. I just love seeing all of your unconditional support, it makes me so happy! So thank you :)

Thank you!  I’m so glad :)


Anonymous said: hi! i wanted to ask if it's a bad thing for someone to switch their orientation around or their gender/pronouns or the name they go by a lot while trying to figure out what they are? i'm still figuring out all the terms and what feels nice for me, so i switch these around at times.

That’s perfectly okay.  It’s a good way to experiment and learn about yourself and figure things out.  


Anonymous said: I'm physically female with no room for doubt and I love dressing myself up and being girly. But inside my head, I'm all male, and these conflicting self-images are really taking a toll on me. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like a man, AM a man, but I love being the woman me, too. I don't know what to do. Please help.

You can be a man and still feminine, still dress yourself up and be girly. Those things are okay.   Maybe you’re a femme trans man, or a trans man who enjoys crossdressing.  There are lots of other people like you.  You might find these links useful.


Anonymous said: Are we deceitful by nature? Rather like how many gays/lesbians IME distrust bisexuals (sad), are genderfluids presenting a fake façade? I feel more comfortable and empowered as a guy but exciting and alluring as a woman. When someone I was seeing saw both sides to me, she was disgusted. Not because of how I dress or my orientation or whatever, but beause she thought the radical changes in presentation made me fake. It stung to be called a deceitful fake, but I can almost see the validity.

Uh, no.  There’s nothing fake about being true to yourself.  There’s nothing fake about taking pleasure in your appearance and presentation.  There’s nothing fake about making choices regarding your presentation that make you most comfortable and happy.  It’s okay to have multiple facets.  It’s okay to be complicated.  I’m sorry someone treated you like that.


Anonymous said: I tend to wear pretty gender neutral clothing (Skinny jeans and a band top) and even onmy guy days I'm like the stereo type of a gay man and I love being that way but in someways it feels like I'm doing it wrong like I should be acting manly and people seem to jump to the conclusion that this is all for attention :(

Nah.  Do you however you want.  There’s definitely a lot of pressure to be super manly, if you’re a trans dfab person, but that’s not healthy, especially if that’s not who you are.  And it’s not who most people are.  Try to build yourself an environment as supportive and accepting as possible, and know that you are fine.


Anonymous said: Is anyone else sort of... Binary fluid? Not bigender, but usually you're one gender but you move around a bit on that side of the spectrum and nowhere else. Like I'm male usually but I shift around in the male end of things. Anyone else?

I don’t know.  Anyone?


Anonymous said: Whats a non binary trans?

Trans means you identify as a gender different than that assigned at birth.  Nonbinary means your gender is neither male nor female, exclusively at least.  As pretty much everyone is assigned at birth either male or female exclusively, basically all nonbinary people are trans unless they don’t feel comfortable identifying with that label.


strifesolutionstower said: Hello, I'm genderfluid. Um, but I've been introducing myself as Non-Binary Trans. I'm not sure if that's the best way to convey that I wan't to achieve, as a trans person, a look that can be easily altered into any part of the gender spectrum. Any tips? Ideas?

That’s probably fine.  Genderfluid people generally are nonbinary and trans, so it’s accurate anyway.  I mean, it’s an umbrella that can mean a lot of different things, and it’s also an identity label so won’t really convey desired presentation.

 If what you want to express in looking for a label is desired presentation, and it’s important to you to be specific about it, maybe you could say things like that you want a flexible or androgynous presentation, or something.

 Or you could just say what you said here, if you want to be sure you’re communicating what you want to achieve.


petiteelfqueen said: i'm not sure if this is the right place to ask about this. i'm dfab genderfluid and just recently came to terms with it. i'd really like to have shorter hair so i can look more masculine on days where i want to but also still look feminine when i want to. my hair would be very frizzy and poofy if i cut it that short, though, and i'm physically unable to use straighteners or hair-dryers on my own due to a disability. any suggestions for this?

It could look good short and frizzy, couldn’t it?  Or I suppose you could get it professionally permanently straightened, if you wanted to and had the money and all that? I have straight hair so I don’t know how much I can help here, but does anyone have any thoughts?


Anonymous said: im genderfluid, and i was really nervous to tell my gf about it. when I told her she said shes going to take a bit to get used to it because "I expected to get a gf but instead got 3-in-one. A gf, bf, and a nonbinary partner"

Well, that sounds hopeful? I think?  Good luck!


Anonymous said: Do you have any advice on how to come out to family as gender fluid? I want to tell my mom, but I don't really know what to say or how to say it...

anon: I found this blog last night, and it’s already explained much to me and I’ve gotten a lot of advice from looking through your tags. I’m DMAB, was trying to educate myself on LGBTQIA+ and found genderfluid. I came out on my page after I was sure, and I’ve generally been accepted. I still feel very nervous about coming out to my immediate family, however, since my youngest brother and uncle are very phobic of anything that doesn’t “fit,” and I’m not sure if they’ll be toxic or not. Any advice?
anon: Hi, I’m really scared about coming out as genderfluid to a romantic interest, I don’t know what to say and I don’t know how he’ll react to the girl he likes (and he does only like girls!) not being a girl all the time. If I could get some help on how to tell him (I feel obligated to because he needs to know before a relationship is even in the prospect and because he’s my friend.) that’d be lovely.
: What’s the best way to explain genderfluidity/gender as a spectrum to your family and friends? I’m afraid they’ll misinterpret my coming out to them as me being ftm trans*; though I lean towards male, I’m still very much gender-neutral and genderfluid. Thank you!
anon: I’m really scared right now. I’m coming out as gender fluid at the ripe old age of 26! But here’s the kicker, I’m afraid that it’s a phase or that people are right and that what I’m feeling isn’t real. I don’t know what to do. I’m so scared right now and feel super alone. I have one gender queer friend who is super supportive and two more that are cis but everybody else NO! I’m alright w/ my body and don’t want to transition, and I lean more towards female then male but not alot. What do I do?

Coming out!  It’s a very individual experience, and how to do it depends greatly on your situation, who you are, and to whom you’re coming out.  Here are some thoughts:

  • If you already know that they’re hostile to transness, queerness, or nonbinary-ness, you need to make sure of your safety. Consider if you may be in danger of physical violence, emotional abuse, or losing your home, funds, etc.  Also consider your mental health in terms of how it’s affected by not coming out, and take that seriously as well.  Weigh the two against each other to decide whether you want to come out, then, or to wait until you’re not under their roof or not dependent on them if you are, or not come out at all.  It’s not required, and may not in all cases be a good idea.  If you decide to come out, have back-up plans to ensure your safety.  Do you have somewhere you can go if you are in danger or are kicked out of the house?  What leverage do they have over you, and can you remove it?  Are they paying for your tuition, food, etc, and if so do you have alternate channels you can get those funds from?
  • Do you want to come out in person, or through a letter, email, Facebook, etc?  Consider whether you tend to lose your ability to communicate/argue when anxious, overwhelmed, or emotional.  If so, it may be helpful to you to do it in writing, so you can lay out all your points beforehand.  In this situation, you also need to decide how you’ll get the message to the person—hand it to them? email it? Also think about whether the individual may react differently to receiving this information in writing or face-to-face.
  • If the number of people you want to come out to is overwhelming, maybe you could come out first to just one person who you believe will be sympathetic, and ask them to tell others on your behalf.  Alternately, you could come out via a mass email or social media post.  Consider how the people in question might react to receiving the information in this way.
  • Consider whether you want to give them the information all at once or gradually.  Are they the type of person who might become overwhelmed and react badly if given too much information at once?  Or are they the type who might become impatient and come to their own, unfavorable conclusions if the information doesn’t come fast enough?
  • Do you want to provide resources?  You could give them links or books.  Or you could try to tell them everything yourself.  Try to think of every objection or question they might raise, and come up with a resource or argument that responds to it.
  • Some people might react badly.  That sucks, but it’s true.  They might say you’re making it up/an abomination/there’s no such thing/everyone’s like that/if you were really x you’d blah blah blah/etc.  You should try to come up with arguments and resources that refute those ideas, but the fact remains that some people will think that no matter what.  Be prepared to lose friends.  Be prepared to make the choice to give up friends, if they consistently invalidate or hurt you.  Try to find people who are supportive, and surround yourself with them like armor.  Try to gain as much self-esteem and confidence in yourself as you can.
  • Children generally react well.  They haven’t had as much time to be indoctrinated in transphobic society as adults have.  On the other hand, they’re more impressionable and intellectually malleable, so if they’re close to a prejudiced adult, they may just parrot all their views and not listen.  But generally, if you explain the ideas to children in a clear and age-appropriate problem, and answer their questions, they’ll react well.
  • You also have to decide whether you want to do a “Sit down, I want to talk to you about something important,” or just casually slip it into conversation, like “and I’m genderfluid, so (relevant rest of sentence).”  The advantage to the latter is that often when you present something like it’s no big deal, people will react like it’s no big deal, because of social convention.  This is more likely to work if you don’t have a close emotional connection with the person, and if they don’t already have firmly established views on the subject.  It can give you the advantage in the conversation, or it can backfire if they react in a way you’re not expecting and you’re put off balance.
  • If you’re concerned they’ll misinterpret what you’re saying, just make sure to be super clear.  Like, “I’m not x, I’m y, and here’s the difference.”  Invite them to ask questions to get a feel for how much they understand of what you’ve told them.
  • If you’re inclined to get emotional when talking about important/stressful/emotionally significant topics, you need to take that into account.  It may be a reason to do the coming out in writing, if it makes it difficult for you to express yourself clearly, or at least write out your points so you can refer to them.  It could be an advantage, if the person sees your pain and decides to go easier on you with their questions/arguments than they would otherwise.  On the other hand, they might see your pain as a weakness and use it as an opportunity to press until you’re overwhelmed into incoherence, and then declare themselves the winner and you as not knowing what you’re talking about.
  • Try to anticipate what points, arguments, objections, or questions they might have, and come up with counter-arguments or answers, whether yourself or through resources.  Also consider how much personal information you’re willing to share, and how to respond to personal questions. 
  • Consider whether you want to introduce the topic first to get them used to it, then come out yourself, then explain the personal details.  This could help in that you get them used to the ideas and you feel out how they’re going to react.  On the other hand, they’re quite likely to figure out that’s what you’re doing before you officially come out, especially if you have strong emotional responses in arguments, and if they’re not the completely oblivious type.  This removes your control of their discovery.
  • After a certain point, if you’ve decided you want to do it, you have to stop worrying and just jump.  Prepare as much as possible, wait until you’re ready, but it’s still going to be terrifying, and there’s still going to be that moment like you’re jumping off a cliff.  At that point, what you need isn’t more information or more preparation or more anything.  You just need to hold your breath and jump.
  • Once you’ve come out: be patient.  It’s likely that they’ll need some time to adjust, and that they’ll be significantly more supportive months to years after you’ve come out than directly after.  Keep that in mind, though don’t hold your breath, and take care of yourself.
  • If there’s something you need from them, like a change in names or pronouns, or help buying something, you need to decide whether you want to do that at once or later.  Again, be patient with them; they may refuse initially and come round later.  Be ready for lots of conversations and explanations and arguments.  Also be ready for them to stick their heads in the sand and pretend you never came out at all.  If they do that, you need to decide whether to leave it, bring it up again, remind them how/why it’s important to you, or what.

Resources: [link] [link] [link] [link] [link] [link] [link] [link] [link] At the bottom of this post of mine, there are a bunch of resources to give people you’re coming out to.