Showing posts tagged askbox

Anonymous said: What about the other way around (opposite of binding) having dysphoria about not having breasts? What could inexpensively help us flat chested folk?

This post and this might be useful to you.

-Riam

Anonymous said: Hey just a little celebration because I have been having a very good week. I ordered my underworks binder yesterday! I'm was thinking of cutting my hair short, but I was afraid my job might think it was too "alternative" and get mad, but then i found out that my manager is gay and getting married next week and if he's a manager then this place can't be full of crap about acceptance like most places are. I'm so excited to be here hhh.

That’s great!

Anonymous said: Opinions on gender-only languages. Where most words are based on feminine and masculine. Such as; Spanish, Catalan , French, Italian and Portuguese?

I don’t really know what sort of opinion you’re looking for.  I mean, that’s tough for nonbinary people.  In Spanish I personally tend to use -o endings, but you can also try avoiding words that are gendered, which is difficult but usually possible (in Spanish at least—I don’t really know anything about the other languages).  Or you could alternate between the different genders.  I’ve also heard of people using -e endings instead of -o or -a, or using @ (which only really works in writing), or -oa, or -ao.  Again, I don’t really know anything about the other languages, but I imagine similar creative solutions might be found.  

-Riam

Anonymous said: Hello! I was looking for some advice and wasn't sure who to ask. I'm a dmab genderqueer with a masculine presentation and I really like this girl who is straight. If I was planning on a relationship with her (which I am) would it be wrong to keep my identity a secret and simply not tell her I'm gq? I already present masculine and I'm fine with gendered terms like boyfriend etc. I'm just not sure if this is like lying and is unfair to her. Thank you!

I don’t really have an answer to this, to be honest.  All I can think of is that it’s probably not necessarily wrong, but it might be more unpleasant for you than you think, and I’m not sure it would be sustainable in a healthy relationship.  Does anyone have any thoughts?

-Riam

Anonymous said: i know that my assigned gender doesn't seem to work for me but i don't know why and i've experienced what i now assume to be dysphoria through most of my puberty and i know that i've wished to be a different gender and felt that i was failing being the gender i was assigned on many occasions, but i still can't figure out wether or not this has anything to do with my gender identity - wether or not i'm cis? maybe i'm interpreting everything wrong. is there any way to know if this is right for me?

From what you’ve said, it sounds like it has everything to do with your gender identity, though I suppose it’s possible it’s self-hatred or gender nonconformity instead.  To know how it’s right for you, I’d try experimenting with different pronouns, language, presentation, etc—even in private, even in your head—and see how that feels.  If you feel safe and want to, try telling someone you trust and asking them to try different pronouns or whatever for you.  Just play around, see what feels right, don’t put too much pressure on yourself.  Also remember that all of us have spent time feeling like a fake, due to the messages we receive about gender and so on.  

-Riam

Anonymous said: I'm doing a presentation on gender identity and culture and really need help examining this question from a perspective of someone who answered yes: Does society’s representation or idea of non-binary persons impact how a culture views non-binary persons within said culture? Why?

I’m afraid I don’t really understand this question, because…um…yes?? How could it not?  Aren’t those the same thing? Of course representation is important, and ideas about something kind of are how they view something…are you referring to the difference between the general and the specific?  Again, obviously yes, people exist within the framework of society’s ideas about people like them?  I’m trying to picture a scenario in which this wouldn’t be true, and I’m really coming up empty.  Am I missing something here?

-Riam

Anonymous said: Why does the LGBT community hate on non-binary people so much? :(

Because of respectability politics, because of transphobia, because of ignorance, because of whiteness, because of assimilation, because of the cis gay white male/sometimes lesbian mainstream, because of self-centeredness, because of gender policing, because of internalized cishet ideals, because of fear that more “extreme” people will cause their own tenuous acceptance to be taken away, because people like feeling superior to other people, because we’re somewhat off the beaten path when it comes to how people generally think about the world, because they’ve never heard of us for most of their lives and therefore don’t grow up with our existence incorporated into their understanding of humanity (and as a result think we’re making it up), because we’re often young and other qualities that make us easy targets.  For starters.

-Riam

Anonymous said: Hi, I believe I'm genderfluid, but don't really know. I sometimes feel like a woman, androynous, male. I thought I was trans*, but I never consistently felt like a gender for more than a day or so. Therefore I think I am gendfluid. I've stuffed my top (I'm biologically male). I want to buy a wig. But I know sometimes I don't want to do that. I've thought of different names for myself; genderwise. I'm really worried about it. I don't know how I'd tell anyone. And I want to be sure myself first.

That’s okay.  I waited about a year between coming out to myself and to other people—like you, I wanted to be sure, and I was scared about how it would go.  Here’s a post I wrote about coming out.  Feel free to experiment with your presentation, with labels, with names, and pronouns.  That should help you figure out what you want, and it’s okay to take time with that.  Also, you can be trans and genderfluid at the same time.

-Riam

Anonymous said: (gender dysphoria nonny) that I just feel it would be better. But I don't really...feel like I'm 'wrong'? I don't dislike my body for being female. I just wish it was male. Is that gender dysphoria? I don't want to say I struggle with it and undermine those that actually do, if I don't.

I can’t find the first half of your mssage.  But the answer is yes, that’s dysphoria. It comes at all levels and in all permutations.

-Riam

Anonymous said: im confused about myself, i think i might be genderfluid but im not sure, how would i know....?

Does your gender shift around?  Congrats, you’re genderfluid.

By gender, I don’t mean sometimes you like to wear pants and sometimes you like to wear skirts, or going shopping vs playing football, or being gruff and macho vs caring and gentle.  I just mean sometimes you feel you’re (for example) a boy, and other times you feel you’re (for example) a girl, or other times you feel you’re (for example) some specific nonbinary identity…you can shift around between any number of points, binary or not, regular or not, at any time interval.  There’s lots of variety.

It’s okay to not know, and it’s okay to be unsure, and it’s okay to think you’re genderfluid and later change your mind.  It’s okay to use whatever pronouns or names you want, and dress however you want.  It’s a descriptor, not a set of rules.  And what it’s describing is that your gender identity—that’s your internal sense of “I am (insert gender here)”—has a habit of changing.  Which can manifest in any number of ways.  Some people can pinpoint their gender identity more easily than others, and some people have a stronger sense of gender identity than others.  For some people the change is more dramatic than others.  And people come at figuring out what exactly their (temporary or permanent) gender identity is from any number of angles, if it’s not immediately apparent.  

Hope that helps.

-Riam

Anonymous said: I'm always confused by the technical terms but if I'm genderfluid or possibly two spirit, even if I typically express myself as female and I'm FAAB, I'm NOT considered cis, right? I'm still new to terminology and I'd like to be better informed. It's not a term for everyone other than trans right? It just means if you identify as your assigned at birth gender.

Yes.  Well, many people see being trans as just meaning identifying as other than their assigned at birth gender, trans doesn’t have to just mean binary.  But you are correct, what you are describing is not cis.  You also have free claim to the word trans if you want it.

(Two spirit has a different cultural context that I don’t know much about—I think some two-spirit people identify as trans and some don’t, as it can mean a great variety of different things, and some reject those European words/constructs entirely.  Also two spirit is a culturally specific term, so don’t use it if you’re white, etc.  Anyone who knows more about this than I do is free to weigh in.)

-Riam

Anonymous said: hi there! i need some help, i think. i've known i'm nonbinary for a long time, it's just.. i don't really know what to call myself. i have days where i feel like a girl, or days where i feel like a boy, but most of the time i don't feel like anything. i don't think agender seems like the right word, though.. do you think genderfluid is a good word for me?

You could call yourself genderfluid if you like.  There are lots of other genderfluid people who sometimes don’t have a gender.  

You could also call yourself agender if you like—if you’re genderless enough of the time that it seems fair to you to round up/down to agender, there’s nothing wrong with that.

Or maybe you could use the terms graygender, like mostly agender but not quite, or agenderflux, or agenderfluid, or mostly agender, or libragender, or librafluid, or demiagender, or meta-agender, or para-agender, or genderflux, or fluidflux, or subfluid.  I’m just looking around and throwing stuff out there now, if you’re really looking for a word that closely describes your gender experience.

Mostly the definitions don’t quite fit, but they could maybe be close enough.

Basically it’s your choice, and it’s okay to call yourself something that isn’t a perfect fit.  Most of our genders are a little different from each other anyway, even when we group ourselves under the same category.

Here are some other people who seem to have similar experiences as you.

-Riam