Showing posts tagged sexuality

Anonymous said: So like, I'm genderfluid. I'm positive about that. And I only like girls (dfab's). I'm dfab as well, so would my sexuality be lesbian? I know sexuality and gender dont go hand in hand but I'm kind of confused because there's not a way to describe liking only dfab's when I change between genders so often (you see, lesbian doesn't work because I go to male sometimes - like now. And heterosexual isn't right because of my female days.)

Okay, so: if your question was “I’m exclusively attracted to women, but my gender changes, what should I call myself?”, the answer is “some people use gynophilic or gynosexual, and others just use ‘lesbian’ sometimes and ‘heterosexual’ other times, and others choose whatever one is more common, and others altogether just say ‘attracted to women’”.

But that’s not your question. Your statement here is “I’m exclusively attracted to DFAB people”, and from what I can tell I assume that is meant to mean “I’m exclusively attracted to cis girls”, but it could just as well mean “I’m exclusively attracted to DFAB people who are not trans men”. And that is a transmisogynist statement, especially since you’re considering using the word “lesbian” (as a woman) or “heterosexual” (as a man) in a way that excludes trans women.

Trans women are women. If you use a word that implies attraction to women but then implicitly exclude trans women from that word, you’re saying they’re not really women, not to you. I’m gonna go through a pre-emptive FAQ before I get bombarded with asks about this, if that’s all right. These are all questions I’ve seen directed at other people who’ve talked about this. The below discusses genitalia and sex explicitly, be warned.

But Key, you can’t choose who you’re attracted to!

Uh. I think I’ve made it very clear on here that I don’t subscribe to “born this way” rhetoric. I don’t think that is a true statement, and I believe that attractions are often shaped by what is societally valued, and that it is our responsibility to deconstruct why we like what we like and think about whether that’s reinforcing any power imbalances. For example, I was pretty much exclusively attracted to white people in high school, and that was internalized racism on my part! Deliberately questioning that, as well as exposing myself to blogs and other media which were less white-centric (and also thin-centric) was something I had to do. 

Now, I’m not saying that liking who you like at the moment is bad. I’m not saying that makes you a bad person. I’m saying that you have the responsibility to question that and think about it and work out why you feel the way you do, and whether that’s, objectively, something you should improve on. And I’m definitely saying that conflating “attracted to women” and “attracted to DFAB people” is something that needs work.

But I’m just attracted to a particular figure, and DMAB people don’t tend to have that.

Twofold answer to this one: firstly, see above with regard to questioning your attraction. Secondly, uh, there are plenty of DFAB people who won’t have that “particular figure”. And ten bucks says there are DMAB people who do. I know at least three pretty, long-haired cis men with delicate features who would be far more likely to pass a casting call for female modelling at a pinch than I would. More to the point, it is transmisogynist to assume that all trans women “look like men” or “have male figures” or whatever the heck, and just categorically not true. I mean, Laverne Cox.

I just don’t like penises! It’s misogynist and ableist toward me as a survivor with trauma issues related to penises to say that I’m being transmisogynist!

Also a two-part answer here. First, not all trans women have penises, and some trans men have penises! There’s a thing called surgery! It exists! Secondly, I get that. And I mean “I have PTSD and viscerally understand that”, not “I guess I can see where that comes from”. And I’m still telling you that defining your attraction that way is transmisogynist. Y’know why? Because when you see somebody on the street you’re sexually attracted to, you’re not going “damn, that is sure a fine lack of peen there, it’s so sexy.” You’re looking at the person as a whole. I don’t know what in particular makes somebody sexually attractive for you, but it sure as hell isn’t, at first glance, their not having a dick. Not wanting to have penis-centred penetrative sex or not wanting to see a penis at all doesn’t mean you are never attracted to people with penises. It doesn’t even mean you can’t be in a relationship with somebody with a penis, or have sex with somebody with a penis! Oral sex exists! A wide variety of other sexual acts exist! Some people with penises don’t actually want to involve their penises in sex, just like some people with breasts like to wear binders during sex! Hell, as an asexual person who doesn’t like sex at all, I’ve found ways to be intimate with sexual partners who have penises that don’t cross my boundaries and still involve them getting off!

You’re asexual, you don’t understand!

I’m not gonna dignify this one with an answer like other people have - all I have to say about this one is “fuck off”.

If there’s any other questions, I’m happy to field them, but I might not respond immediately. I’m sorry if I’m being unkind, anon, but this does need to be addressed in general, and your question was a useful place to start. I think this was something you’ve probably never thought about, and I hope this was helpful to you too. If you want to talk to me privately about your attractions or whatever, I promise I’ll listen and be constructive and gentle - you can contact me at klutzygeek, or in a number of other ways here.

-Key

Anonymous said: I discovered a new word that you may be interested in. "Skoliosexual" is attraction to those who do not identify as cisgender, primarily to non-binary and genderqueer.

gallopingtormaunt:

The word origin is a little bit unflattering, but I’ve heard of this word and if there were another word that were equivalent but not so unpleasant in its background it would be one I would use for myself often. 

Anyone got any alternative terms?

BTW ILY

Flavia

(Reblogged from gallopingtormaunt)

Anonymous said: Hi! Love the blog! (Sorry if you get a duplicate of this message- I didn't think it sent the first time.) I'm CAFAB genderfluid panromantic gray asexual (it's a mouthful~), and I rarely think about/desire sex, but when I do, I only imagine it from a male perspective, with a male partner (not just with a cis male), even if I'm not male that day outside of the fantasy. Does anyone else experience something like this? Does your sexuality change with your gender or is it static?

I have no real way of separating my sexuality, personally, from my trauma, but: without going into painful detail, I suppose I’m technically somewhere on the ace spectrum, and when I think about consensual sex, I’m usually male in those thoughts (if not in body, then in mind), much the same as you are.

There’s a lot of us for whom sexuality isn’t static if gender isn’t, though! Plenty of experiences of diversity. 

Followers?

-Key

Anonymous said: Um hi, I kinda have a question about labeling my sexuality! I´m genderfluid, but I lean mostly towards female identification and am only really attracted to girls. Would it be wrong for me label my sexuality as lesbian, seeing as I´m male bodied?

Nope!

There’s plenty of trans women who are lesbians, for starters, so your anatomy doesn’t restrict you (it would be transphobic if it did)!

That said, identifying as lesbian also isn’t restricted to only women, cis or trans, who are solely attracted to women: there’s non-binary gynesexual people who identify as lesbian, there’s women dating non-binary people who identify as lesbian, there’s couples where both parties are non-binary or DMAB who identify as lesbian and describe their relationship as a lesbian relationship. 

-Key

synapsis-soup said: Hi there! I identify as a lesbian girl and I've never had problems with my assigned sex and sexual orientation. I'm getting more and more interested in reading information and raising awareness about non-binary minorities but I have some doubts. The 'girl' I love is starting to reject the gender binary - would it be disrespectful if I still identified as gay? Like I wanted to consider her a female when she doesn't think she is? I'm just wondering if another term suits my sexual orientation best?

Hi!

That depends on your partner (if you’re dating them - I’m not clear on whether you’re just attracted to them or involved with them)!

A lot of people these days define lesbian as “any non-man who is exclusively attracted to non-men”, or something similar which is less exclusive than “women exclusively attracted to women”. (There’s a lot of gender politics and queer theory and feminist theory behind the discussion on redefining the word lesbian, and I haven’t done enough reading on it to conclusively recommend something, but if anyone else has suggestions I’d be happy to put together a reading list.) A lot of other people don’t really think about definitions, just that they know that lesbian is what they or their partner are, and that everyone involved is okay with it, and that’s fine too!

Long story short, modern sexual orientations are… kinda weird. There are people who are only attracted to men with vaginas! There are people who are attracted to everyone except cis women! There’s a lot of complicated things involved, and all the people who suddenly find themselves caught on the fringe because they’ve found themselves attracted to somebody who doesn’t fit within these neat boxes have decided for themselves (and perhaps in consultation with their partners; I’ve known people to break up because someone’s decided their identity is that important to them, and that’s okay too if that’s what you guys decide) what exactly they want to call themselves, and whatever conclusion you come to is fine.

-Key

sapphiresiren said: That's a good question, actually. If you like men all the time, let's say, and you're genderfluid, does that mean your sexuality will shift from heterosexual to homosexual? I guess sexual fluidity covers that. It's difficult when sexuality terms are dependent on gender. Saying you're heterosexual/homosexual implies you are a certain, fixed gender. I wish it was more neutral like malesexual or femalesexual. Pansexual and asexual/demisexual has no problems with this, thankfully.

You’re right about that. People who are genderfluid and always attracted to a certain gender tend to use “androphilic” or “androsexual” for men and “gynophilic” or “gynosexual” for women, for that very reason. Fun fact: defining sexuality by your own gender is a relatively recent thing, and most societies before ours didn’t do it this way!

-Key

flyfastlivefree said: Hey, hope all is well! In regards to the Demi sexual thing, I thought that this meant that sometime you feel sexual and sometimes asexual, and that it fluidly changes, kind of like how some people's genders may change. At least, this is how I've used the term to refer to myself as some days I like the idea of sex and some days it scares me, grosses me out, etc. Well maybe that's just normal though and I don't need a term to identify it?

I may be wrong, but in my experience that’s not the common definition of demisexuality. That said: sexuality is complicated as all hell, and I’m basically in the same boat you’re in. I don’t ID as demisexual because I don’t think that’s what I am, but my sexuality is decidedly not normal nevertheless.

Someone had to make up the word genderfluid at some point, y’know? There not being a word for what you are yet doesn’t mean that it’s not a thing.

-Key

lockwoodandco said: hmm they way i understood it being demisexual (a type of secondary asexuality/grey sexuality) is only being attracted to people you were already friends with/have an emotional attachment to

That’s also a thing! There’s a spectrum of sexual attraction, so to speak, and there’s demisexual people right toward the “I only have eyes for my wife, like literally” end, and heading in the other direction toward what you’re describing (or right through to attraction to fictional people or people they’ve never met who they nevertheless empathize/feel a bond with via knowing their story).

I tried to make that clear, that the primary thing is that people are sexually attracted if and only if there’s already an emotional bond, but I’m not sure I quite got there; thanks!

-Key

Anonymous said: I have a question, and I hope I'm at the right blog who can answer this, but does the term "demisexual" regard any specific sex, or does it regard simply a specific someone, excluding sex and/or gender?

Hi anon!

We’re… not a sexuality blog, but because sexuality so often overlaps with gender, especially when people are trying to work out who they are, I do know a little bit about it.

Demisexuality isn’t either of those two things exactly. It doesn’t mean a specific gender - we have “heteroromantic demisexual” people, or “panromantic demisexual”, and I think you see the pattern. You can be demisexual and be attracted romantically to a specific gender, or to all genders, or something in between!

Demisexuality is sometimes also known as “secondary asexuality”, and it’s basically (correct me if I’m wrong, followers!) a lack of sexual desire without a specific emotional connection. While this often means that demisexual people are only attracted to one particular person, usually their partner, it doesn’t have to - I know demisexual polyamorous people, who have a few people they’re attracted to.

Hope this helps!

-Key

Anonymous said: hey i have a question. i don't exactly know what my sexuality would be. i'm genderfluid and i identify as pansexual, but i like guys more than girls and i just don't know.... would it still be considered pansexual or something different?

It doesn’t disqualify you from being pansexual any more than my liking people with body hair more than those who don’t would, anon - everyone has preferences, and being bisexual or pansexual doesn’t mean “oh gosh I like everyone” or “I have to be 50-50” :)

-Key

Anonymous said: Is it possible for one to be asexual yet heteroromantic who has no interest in the same sex, but is curious about it at the same time? I always had crushes on guys, and never had any interest in women, so I can't identify myself as a bi, but I find it more of a turnon (not entirely sexually speaking) of the sexual nature of the female, but that's probably because I like the sensual nature the female has, and that the male lacks. I like guys, but I find their sexual nature rather dull. Help! ._.

Long story short, yes.

Sexuality is complicated, y’know? So is non-sexual attraction, and they’re not entirely as untangled from each other as we sometimes like to think they are. 

There’s a lot of questions to be asked here! Are you sexually attracted to womenbut not to men? I’ve known a person who only dates men but only has sex with women! That’s something that exists. Are you not really sexually attracted to anyone at all, but women appeal to you in a different, more aesthetic/mannerism-related way than men do (personality, I guess, if it’s crushes)? Where does your curiosity come from, and is it something you can ever see yourself acting on (kissing a woman? dating a woman? having sex with a woman? crushing on a woman? enjoying a woman’s sexuality from afar? none of the above?)

Sexuality (or the lack thereof) is super complicated! I’m still working out what the hell is up with mine (I don’t enjoy or particularly want sex but I’m turned on by the idea of sex, just for starters), and honestly, I’m happy with ‘queer’ and working it out as I go along.

You’re you, anon! Because you exist, your sexuality is totally possible, whatever it is, whatever you end up identifying as, even if it changes over the course of your life or is something nobody around you really understands! It’s not their business to tell you what’s “real”, anyway.

Best of luck on your journey of discovery though - I know this isn’t particularly helpful, but I hope it’s still of some encouragement.

-Key

Anonymous said: So I've been reading up on being genderfluid and this is totally me, and I even told my best friend and she's being so supportive, which is awesome! But first: 1) I'm biologically female, and I only like guys, even when I feel more masculine. Does that make me NOT genderfluid? 2) Although my best friend calls me by a guys name sometimes, I always prefer female pronouns, even when I dress and act like a man. Is that normal? Thank you so much!

  1. If you were a cis man (that is, you were born with an M on your birth certificate and you identify as a man), and you only liked guys, that wouldn’t make you not a man! There is no one set sexuality for any given gender identity. Like who you like, be who you are!
  2. To be honest, I get all these questions from people wondering if they’re normal, and well - realistically, by being genderfluid we’re basically notnormal anyway, and there’s nothing wrong with that. With regard to the specific question, we all have different pronoun preferences, and that’s okay! 

I’ll add a couple of notes, though: if you sometimes identify as a man, then you are a man at those times - not just dressing and acting like one! You’re not playing some sort of pretend. Also, with pronouns, sometimes you grow into and out of them - I started out with no real preference, and now I much prefer ‘they’. It happens, and if it does for you, or anything else changes (sexuality can change over a lifetime as well!), don’t worry; that’s something that happens!

-Key